Do people ever ask you what you're worried about?
With many of the difficulties OCD can bring to a normal life, I often stop to think about what it is that is causing the anxiety. In my mind I see the picture of it so clearly, but it is hard to describe adequately. I kind of see my worries as like in that game "pixie sticks". Where each problem is one stick that is over lapped by other sticks. To solve one problem without disrupting the pile takes precision.
I also see it as a complex array of images that are stacked together in a three dmensional web. Each image is actually a moment in time. As you concentrate on a certain image, the images start to move, and you can recall the event. The images also forshadow events that may or may not happen.
OCd has caused many problems with my social life, working life, and personal economy. There seems to be no end in sight. It also seems, at least when I was working, that the harder I worked at it, the worst the end results would be in my life. Many times I ask myself, "do I have the right to pin all my problems on OCD" parts of me say "yes" and parts of me say "no". another part of me says, " I don't know".
I have been wanting to get a part time job this summer while I was out of school. here it is July and I am still jobless since August 2007. I am worried that because i was fired for being late in my last job, that it will effect my ability to get a new job. Also, I am worried about these pschological test that I have to take at these jobs. If I am mentally ill won't that automatically phase my application to the "not to hire" list.
I worry that my dad is going to die, and at the same time I hate him. I worry about my mother because her income is tied to my dads, and when he dies, it will end. I worry about my ability to be employed.
I also worry about, if both my parents die, and my funding for college stops, How will I survive if i cant hold a job?
I was told when I was younger that " I was a mistake" and that I wasn't meant to be born. When I was younger that didn't really affect me much. Now that I am older, and the older I get, I wonder if there was some truth in that statement.
Many time's I feel like I am broken, physically and mentally. I feel I am entering an important period of my life. I have no clue if what I am doing will work. I have no idea will it will lead me. No one, but me, believes in what I am doing.
Lately, I have been going through periods of sadness and period of happiness throughout the day. Also, I have been going through periods of awake, tiredness, and sleepiness.