ok so it was my friends birthday and every year we go out on the town. i know most of the time i have fun once im out but the idea is something i dont like. i wanted to cancle so many times but its the only day in the year where all of my friends get together so its really important. i woke up on the day and spent the whole day getting ready, i even prayed for an hour that nothing happens to me.

i know i shouldn't drink because i go into an OCD zone where nothing but cleaning or counting or pluking excited. the amount of people was making me bad so i desided to get drunk it was a bad desion. i got so wasted it was not funny the world was sping and after only 2hs everyone was going home and we hadn't even been on the dance floor once. so while we where all sitting around i went into my zone and counted 1,2,3 over and over my friends thought i passed out on a few occassion becasue i was so drunk i count count fast enother and that maded me more axchus. for over 15mins i was in the zone till my friends got really worryed when i desided i was not being smart i was breaking my number one rule dont let anyone see or know so i played with my phone while counting. i wish i was normal i wish that one night in a week wouldn't destory my whole week that i could have fun and that my friends would relises that when i say i want to do something that i want to do it, and when i say i dont really want to then i dont.

i wanted to dance i wanted to find a person to kiss that wouldn't lead to sex, asomeone to hug while watching a movie. all my friends have someone, even in a weird way one of my friends that is so affrad of getting hurt that she only is attracted to gay guys or marryed and my other friend who is gay but not out of the closet to anyone but us are like together(it still sad whenshe flutes with him). im the odd one out they all have someone to go home to me i may life with 12 other people but im all alone and OCD demands it. when i fight agaist it and go into a realationship i need to run away with in two weeks. i want a differnt life but i know i wont get it i have to live with OCD either way. and weather its my friends or OCD i dont know if ill ever be happy with my life this way. i want to run away go to my little family and live in my cave because then ill have at lest one thing happy in my life.