I am frustrated that my banishing spells aren’t working and I’m feeling all out of sorts energetically. I don’t have it in me to cast any spells today. I drew an oracle card, which reads, “A time for healing.” I don’t even have the energy to pray the healing prayer over my husband. I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I don’t even know what to write about. My medication is constipating me, so I had a cup of coffee to see if that would help. It usually works for my husband. Sorry if that’s TMI, but TMI used to be my initials, so ha. I’m having a hard time finding good music to listen to. I rotate between the jazz station, Amazon Music, Pandora, Bollywood station, and paganradio.org. My favorite is the jazz station. I guess it’s a time for my healing, so I want to go back to bed, but I need to charge it first. There’s something wrong with the cord and I have to put something under it to lift it before my laptop will start charging. Technology and I are not friends. My phone is a mess too, it never bleeps any more when I get texts so I keep having to check my phone to make sure I didn’t miss any. Just another frustration.

I don’t really want to be a pagan, I want to be a Christian, but I haven’t felt the presence of God in fourteen years. It’s my own fault, I caused my own trauma (I’ll not get into it here) and now I am suffering for it. So basically I’m a Christian who likes pagan stuff. I know I keep going back and forth with religion, but that’s the mixed up contents of my brain. I want a bowl of cereal. But I shouldn’t, I’m trying to lose weight. That’s another frustration, my medications have caused me to be overweight by 50 pounds. I couldn’t believe the number on the scale when I saw it.

I want to go back to bed, but I know I won’t sleep. Not after that coffee that I had.  I’m saving my last genmaicha for my husband, as it’s said to improve circulation and he’s been having issues with that lately. His arms and hands are going numb, especially at night. I made the bowl of cereal anyway. Just a small one. I’m trying to figure out how to be a Christian again. Does that mean I have to give up my oracle cards? They’re so beautiful. And what about my crystals? Do crystals have any place in Christianity? Are they really helpful or are they just there to look pretty? I still pray three Hail Marys before my shrine in my bedroom. I have a little goddess statue there as well as a painting of the Virgin Mary. It’s my shrine to the Divine Feminine, and it’s where I pull oracle cards and leave them there with appropriate crystals on top of them. I don’t know where I got that idea, it just sort of happened.

I’m eating a second bowl of cereal. This will be my lunch for today, I need to stop eating so much. I’m frustrated by my lack of willpower. I mean the cereal is very healthy, but it’s the calories that are the problem. I haven’t taken my walk yet. I honestly don’t want to, I want to curl up in bed. I already walked to the corner store, and that was half a mile. As long as I walk 30 minutes three times a week, I should be good. I’m frustrated by my anxiety. It won’t let me walk all the way to the Marina Park, I just walk around the block. Everything frustrates me. That’s why I just want to go to bed and hide.

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