I am just so completely done with OCD. I had a really bad spike about two weeks ago right before school started. I still have not completely recovered from the battle with my brain. I am trying everything to refocus my attention. I am really trying not to ruminate but (pardon my French) this shit is messed up. I cannot understand how all these messed up thoughts get in my brain and why they will not go away. I thought I had a break through a couple of days ago, I just said out loud, "this is not possible, I will never be that person, I could never be that person", but it only lasted for a couple of hours. I just want someone to tell me I am ok, like shake me violently maybe expel some of the crazy and tell me I am ok. Tell me,I will grow up and be happy, maybe have a family, love someone, have someone love me and not be like this forever. Is that even possible anymore? I feel like I am in this hole, so deep already, and someone has started pushing the dirt back in. Not to mention my house has turned into a hostel. My whole family has moved back in. My brother is very mentally ill, and can no longer support himself and my other brother is expecting a baby in March. So on top of my parents, my boyfriend, my younger brother, now four morepeople(counting the baby) will be living in the house. In all honesty I dislike being around people, I do not even share a room with my boyfriend. I need space.I need my own littlepart of this worldto feel safe and people make me feel very unsafe. Unsafe is probably the wrong word just uneasy I suppose. I just needed to vent. I really want to feel better so I can focus on school. Any advice?
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It gets about 1000% worse when other people intrude, doesn't it? Like this afternoon when I left my office door unlocked becuase workers were going through all the offices to clean out the air vents. Let me repeat that… I left my freakin' door unlocked. I don't do that. Ever. Checking is about 97th on my list of things that screw me up, but I still check that knob in measured sets of 5. Every. Damn. Night.
But you know what, sometimes that jolt to whatever region of the brain likes to mess with us is what's needed. I'm doing ok with the door… mostly.
When I lived with my mom about 10 years ago I had carved out a nice "clean" area of the house. I would treat it like a decontamination zone, even removing my clothes when I came from a dirty part of the house to my part. Funny… I didn't think that was least bit weird at the time…
Then came a massive family reunion when I was told that I'd have to give up my bedroom to my cousins. Nearly lost my mind trying to work that move into my little world. I did what I could to prepare but it was a whirlwind of contamination all around me. And I do love my family… but still, it's tough to take that kind of anxiety.
But you know what? In the end I dealt with it. It was almost like a strategic retreat. I did what I could to make my space "clean" but in the end I just told myself, "OK, maybe it's not 100% clean in my bedroom anymore, but it's at least 90%. And considering the rest of the house is about 50% on my scale and I have survived there without contracting some disease, maybe it's just fine!"
Sorry about the length of this, I didn't think it would get so involved! Guess I'm just trying to say that sometimes being forced into a bad situation can make you recalibrate… and the anxiety may lessen, just a bit.
And you can be happy. I believe that. It may not be a picnic but it won't be this bad forever. Good luck! 🙂
Quick answer, yes you can grow up, have a family, love someone, have someone love you back even with OCD. Long answer, its a struggle. The thoughts you have are intrusive unwanted thoughts. They aren’t you. You aren’t them. Period. You know that but its hard to fight your mind. But you can do it. You are strong. Even when you think you aren’t. Yes the more ppl you are around the more your OCD might act up. Its exhausting and annoying. It will be hard but you will get through it. Really long answer, OCD sucks. It hurts. Its disturbing and frustrating. However, it doesn’t get to decide how you live your life, you do. Treatments help. You fighting every step of the way helps. Having support helps. Just because you have OCD doesn’t mean you can’t have all of those things you just talked about. It just makes the road to them a little different. It makes us appreciate them a little more, I think. Yes, people are capable of loving you even if you have OCD. No one is perfect and you are a strong, magnificent person. You are lovable! I used to worry about those things too. I was able to grow up and have a family, find a man that loves me and he knows everything about my OCD. It can happen.
Unfortunately ,we that suffer from OCD, start to believe it’s lies. That we are broken and useless. That we are unlovable or bad. None of those things are true, hun. We are nothing that the OCD says we are and we never have been. Sometimes we may have to reach our goals a different way but that doesn’t mean we won’t reach them. It just means we do it a different way and that is perfectly okay, too. Hang in there.