So this should be interesting. i'm just writing because i'm pissed. sorry about that my laptop is a piece of crap and i kept clicking. blah so anyways i'm changing like the season is… 3 more days of summer. it's like i change sometimes and stay that way. i guess it's like i'm creating myself more and more everyday every week, month blah. life is cool . i have been chillin here at my mom's man. i told her the other day i was going to find a job….about 1 hour, not even that..seriously…i had a job. i've been working for the past 3 or 4 days straight. i like it so far. it's money ya know…trying to keep my insane mind off of insane things and imagination shit. i think so much sometimes. they used to call me astractz haha i think it a weird way. i don't know what i'm writing for. i'm angry at the whole wide world. i feel like i'm an observer just watching life go by, and i'm not really involved in the living process at the moment, if that makes any sense. i also feel like i'm innocent because i hate everyone for so many reasons and i'mjudging everyone and i think they are alll so very ignorant. i know i'm not perfect though.  lol i'm possessed lately. i'm turning into a major bitch.. wow it's unbelievable haha i've waited so long to be a bitch and finally i think i am one. i'm excited. i'm not taking anyones shxt anymore…fuuuuuuuckk that.  so yea i'm still clean… i have no idea how many days or weeks or anything, but i'm clean and happy about it. trust me i think about it, but it's like WHY YOU RETARD because i'm an addict ya know..but i know i shouldn't and today i won't.  i broke up with kristen BY THE WAY. the girl i sold my soul to because i'm pathetic like that…but whatever…no one is perfect. god do i dislike that girl horribley right now….she started talking to her ex again….the one who used to beat her up and call her ugly and who she got really bad off on drugs with….yes they are hanging out at this moment…LOL i told her i don't even want to ever talk to her again. seriously. i'm letting the past 2 1/2 months goooo.. i'm starting over. i have no idea what my life will be like in the next 5 mins and i'm going to stop worrying about stupid shxt like tomorrow and next year and all of it. yep haha i'm venting nonsense, but i don't even talk to anyone. i promise.. no one …my mom … and the ladies at work now….other than that i've been a very strange individual something inside me is stirring up and taking thoughts out and changing me.. it's either my subconscious or my HP i've been trying to pray and meditate..i've also been reading like crazzzzzy i live like 4 feet from a library haha so it makes things very awesome. and my job is like 3 mins away and I DON'T KNOW if i wrote this last time… by the way when i write i pretend like a million little people that don't exsist are always reading…lol i'm surronded by an imaginary audience at all times…i used to think people were videotapping me when i was young…anyways….i got my drivers permit!! finallylllllylyylylldls!!!!! YAY after failling it like 30484 times and trying to pass the damn thing for 4 years now…yea homie i'll have my lisencse at the end of the month lol i'm excited. and mother has been letting me drive her vehicle, which is hilarious because it's an SUV and i'm supper short.. only 5'1" and i can't see very good haha i have to fix all the seat adjustments to the max. i'm jus bitchin cuz i suck at driving and it's my excuse. i'm sure you read through those lines though…….. i'm simple like that…. so i might as well add that i got paid today…andsince i got money coming in again, i am a nervous wreck!! ahhh!! wanna know why?? because…. this is going to make me puke, but i need to write it somewhere.. .. i owe the IRS $375, i owe a bank $300, i need to save money for a car, i need money for another apartment…and i need money for a new guitar….and money to fix my tattoo and i want a new tattoo..and i want to get highlights in my hair and buy an ipod and buy new clothes LOL see. i guess i should just start saving all of it and not kill myself over the stress cuz i know….money….drugs….if i think too much and over analyze and complicate i will do it until i justify the nessarity using is Ha. it's all true..sometimes when i write i don't want to stop because i want to tell everyone everything because i feel so alone. that came from my heart by the way.  i just want to keep writing because i don't understand and i wish someone knew what i was talking about. lol anyways…i have been told since i was in second grade that i was going to be a writer. and it's weird, but i kinda believe i'm clairvoyant… i have seem myself like in the future and i always picture myself writing a book when i trying to do something important with my life, but it's a struggle because no one here understands and people are people. i could get sucked in if i don't pay attention. i have always gotten sucked in…by whatever it may be….society…people…drugs… religion… it's like my spirit likes to linger ya know….lol curiousity! i want to know all and see all.. but i know that's only in heaven for the gods, but i guess what i'm trying to tell myself is that through everything i have learned lately, the most important thing i have learned is who i am and how i need to stop hiding….how i need to just deal with what's in front of me and not run away, to face reality even when it's cold.. to be patient… it all happens when it's supposed to happen and if it's me pushing it, then it's not what it could have been…which everything in nature is beautiful. i have seen the beauty in the way the earth turns ya know.. nature's will.. god's will man… i should have jus wrote this in microsoft word lol it's scary.. oh well i'm bored and it's FUN ANd crazy to let strangers read my thoughts. i know everyone though….everyone is all connected.. i have met so many people in 20 years lol and i have felt a connection with everyone, always have something in common with someone….always….always aparent to me…it makes sense we are all brothers and sisters. i've been finding out how connected i am to the earth and how everything has a purpose and wow my mind never fucking stops hahahha i'm out.. <3


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