Here goes the Neighborhood!!!!!! YEAH! Hi TRIBE…Lots going on here as per the norm…and that is ok…I managed to get myself a little more settled as things are moving forward. Taking care of me is a full time job in its self..LOL. Ok enough of that, I had a rather big presentation yesterday for IOP I enjoy speaking in front of ppl so I felt good about it…as to how well recieved it was well that is always open for discussion…LOL I will paste some of it here for you all to see and well you be the judge! it was titled
The Effect of Addiction of on the Past, Present, and Future
The Past, Present, and Futures Effect on Addiction
Life is good right now…Everyday gets a little better…I still struggle with the lonliness I am sure I will for a while…I had some very raw moments yesterday, felt very vulnerable and wide open…all I wanted was someone to just tell me "it was gonna be ok" yes I am a needy person at times..I wish I could make this about sex, then I could at least take care of it and be fine or whatever. But it isnt..Last night as I lay in bed…all I really wanted was someone to talk too…just a calming voice..to put me at ease…As I picked up the phone to make a call I would regret, I heard the door open I closed my phone and put it down…someone was nice enough to have walked in to my house and came up and just layed with me, it was what I wanted and had even asked for earlier…just to not be alone..I drifted off to sleep…..I woke at 2am…She left….it was ok..I felt peacefull…it is nice to see the little things, and to realize how BIG something so SMALL can be,
The relationship between addiction and these 3 areas in our lives can be profound. In moving through any stage of our lives we often can let our shortfalls and the “past track record” influence much of what we do. At times our subconscious may be in so driven that we can barely function of get a thought in edgewise as we dwell on the past…This can be a hard thing to put behind us when we may have continuously heard “HISTORY REPEATS ITS SELF” Is not our past part of History? I clung to a statement from the WFS program, #9 The Past is Gone forever…Does not mean that we will forget it, Just that we can not change it, and for the amount of pain it has caused us, Physically, mentally, and psychologically, WHY would we continue to hold on to this…and persecute ourselves? Addiction? maybe our little obsession with it? with our past…we do have memories of using when we really glorified things (even as fucked up as they may have been) Plus when in the middle of it what did we really know? Many times it was our “using behavior “ that ruled us. Getting out of the past is part of change…I recently fought very hard to not let go of somethings in my PAST I wanted to keep beating myself up for this stuff even though I have been forgiven many times over…I could only come up with an addicts response….IT IS ALL I HAVE LEFT…of My PAST…It was MY WORLD….
The Key word was…PAST
Lets move to the Present…and the continuous change we struggle with daily…I always heard ppl say OH change is hard…no one ever wants to change…blah blah blah well hey they are actually right it does take work and time and effort to re work our lives,,learn to do simple tasks…laundry cooking, damn even getting out of bed can be a challenge.. These are not forever things…but we seldom lived in the here an now…it was always OMG yesterday was AWESOME..remember that High.,..Boy last week we were so fucked up, tomorrow we will get some more…
…Staying right in this MOMENT…not going forward or backward…connecting with what is happening RIGHT NOW…It takes practice…WE WANT THAT INSTANT GRATIFICATION>>>WE don’t want to wait for ANYTHING, Our using made it so we didn’t have to live in the present…it was the next fix…the next drink..the next whatever…but SURELY NOT dealing with the now…but the ESCAPE…
I don’t recall saying to myself..I am just going to let things happen and roll with it…
I see that nd try to establish better living skills and coping mechanisms. Those were things that I did not allow myself to develop or just didn’t give a shi about while I was using…None of this is really as important as wanting to change yur life in a manner that makes ourselves the primary concern and NOT our Addiction….
Watching ourselves live for the day and stay in the day can be magnificent…we see all the little things and find the spleandor in them…(again something that has to be worked on) For some the addiction has left us bitter and unfeeling…which is often why we either want the past or wish for a misguided FUTURE…
And on to the Future…Projecting our past into our future..how many of us do this daily and skip today…we focus on an event from the past…then say OH cap what if that happens or this happens, maybe someone wil find out…maybe I am gonn aget sick…maybe I will use cause so many ppl do…maybe my spouse will leave me…maybe I will die maybe you will die…WHATEVER….a lot of this stuff may and will happen…But we have absolutely NO CONTROL OVER IT>>>>NONE NOT A SHRED…we can assisit in creating an environment for things to happen BUT they still may not and when they do it still might notbe what we want or EXPECT>
Fear of the FUTURE>>OH MY what might happen…I now plan for my FUTURE>.planning is ok…Obsessing NOT OK…I would sit and do nothing early in recovery…and say to myself stay in the here and NOW…That worked for alittle while until I realized I was DOING NOTHING BUT remaining stagnant…planning for the future does take some initiative on our parts…We have not always felt comfort in having to make our own choices esp about us and we often had others there to re enforce to us that we made bad choices before and well were fuck ups…But more so as people who suffer from addiction we dedicated a lot of time and effort into our USE…so we all posess the ability to make a descision and take control of our live s and live then in the here and now and not let the Addiction influence us one way or another anymore..
It is important to remember that when we all came into some form of program of recovery….We all had to deal with the past present and future…If anyone part is not addressed then we leave the door wide open for the Viscious circle to begin all over… it seems that it all involves choices for us…We either want to live a life without addiction and move forward with the WHOLE WORLD AHEAD OF US…or we want to go back out and USE…its that simple… A choice…
The weeekend was a slice of reality tempered with Change, Emergency Rooms and Me detaching from People…I will mention I was sitting at a bar on Sunday watching a Band play…I even went to the bar and bought someone a drink…Remember…I STOPPED DRINKING SO I COULD ENJOY….LIFE NOT BE MISERABLE….and I will do just that live life…am I playing with fire..well I am not sure…but I dont need a bar to drink…if I want to I will just pick up…If I have faith in me and faith in GOD… then what more can I ask for right now
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