Well my Aunt (I have never met her, she was married to my uncle dave a few years before he died) posted on facebook that today is the 18th aniiversry of his death. that got me thinking. I guess I shoud let you know that my dads half of my family, I barely knew before his death and they never talked to me again after is death. but I digress. so the post about uncle dave (dads side) brought back a flood of memories. I can remember my dad taking me to visit him at his house and in his livingroom he had a huge fish tank that was built into the wall and could be seen from both sides. it was awesome. nice memory. more than this, my point to this blog is something different. when I was little, like 4-8ish. my aunts and uncles started dying. (moms family) then at 7 my grandpa died and at 8 my grandma died. I understood in a logical kind of way. they had died, they were not coming home, They were in heaven (no offence intended, so whatever your believes are in terms of an afterlife). After that I developed a cold, hard, logical view of death. When I was just 18, my dad died, 3 days ago was the 25th anniversary of his death. when it happened. I very much dealt with it using that cold, hard, logical way. it all went okay until a month later or so, when looking back, I can see that I was totally acting out a bit. it wasnt severe or anything. and also around the same time I had come to realize that none of my aunts or uncles (my dads brothers ans sisters) were talking to me anymore.for a few years after my dad died, I went a little wild. risky behavior, stuff like that. toward the end of that ime I met a groupof wonderful people. they becamemy best friends in the world. That started a very good period in my life. I was working on myself and trying to become a better person. the time periodwas full of love and security and adventure. great times. Then my stepdad died. he was part of my life since I was 6 years old. then just over year later my mom died suddenly and unexpectedly. between herb (stepdad) and mom, my uncle bob (moms brother) died. after that there was no one left. no one. I do have a sister, she is about 10 years older than me. and she has a son and daughter that are about 10 years younger then me (hehe). without my parents there was no safetly net. no where to go home for dinner somethimes. no where to go do laundry in an emergency. and no one to help me if I messup and needa hand. but that thats not what I looked to my parents for, I liked to spend time with them. so my parents are gone. but as I looked around, my dad was gone too, so were my aunts and uncles on his side, and all my aunts and uncles on my moms side. and the people I really rew up with, herbs kids, all just kind of went away. I guess I considered them my family but I dont think they thought of me in the same way. I am coming to accept all these things, though they took me to the deepest darkest places in hell that I could ever imagine. but you know what I do feel like. I feel robbed (I know I am not alone, many people grow up with way less of a family than I did) but, and please dont think me shallow, I have never gotten a birthday card from a grandparent with a surprise $20 in it. or even just a nice letter from an aunt checking on me to see how I am adjusting to college. I know silly things. but those are just 2 examples of the nothing, the nothing I felt and the no one around to notice.after my parents died, I was never so lost in my life. my sister even stopped talking with me because she couldnt understand my depression. my depression itself was a mix of lonelyness, grief, guilt and fear. the fear came when I realized that for the first time in my life I was absolutley and totally on my own. you know what? I feel robbed. so many people older than me have their parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles. family. I become green with envy when I see moms and daughters out to lunch. doing some shopping, just spending time together. I am jealous of people that got to know thier grandparents as adults. there is so much I would like to know about my grandpas life. I was robbed. I am not a terrible person. and I dont dwell on the jealousy for long at all.I try really hard not to feel jealous of others for this stuff. its not their fault. its just the way the "cards"were dealt for me. no wonder I have this overwhelming fear that everyone will leave me. I do wish it could have been different.I would give anything to have a family.

2 Comments
  1. sasha1969 8 years ago

    You were robbed Moon and I am sorry about that.

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  2. thendara_moon 8 years ago

    codger,

    I dont avoid the greaving process, I have just learned at a very yound age that its a natural part of life, to quote pink floyd, another breathe and another step closer to death, my extreme lack of family is what gets to me the most.  i miss people checking in on me just to see how I am doing.  I miss random hugs (my patents were buth huggers),  I miss going home for dinnerlI wish my mom and herb could have met my dog serra, they would have loved her. ,  The grieve and sadness and fear I felt after my parents parents died was crippling,  I was stuck in the depths of hell for many years.  I hwas hopeless and had no idea how I was going to survive with out them.  I am survivingc, but its a very lokenly, I have come to accept i t but it can still get pretty lonely ,  All I can stay on that note is thatnk God for my litle dog sierra.  my english springer spaniel. I love her so much and she gives me someone to talk to.  sorry for rambling.

     

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