I hate having to say goodbye.

I hate when people leave and you don’t know if you’ll really ever see them again.

Especially when it comes to the workplace.

It’s not like you can actually express your feelings.

Well you can, but I’m really not one of those people.

And it’s hard when it’s someone you sort of like, but can’t like, but you pretend to hate the person anyways to make it seem like you don’t like them, so no one else will figure it out and then you feel less guilty…or something like that.

It’s weird to go from seeing someone 5 days a week for 40 hours to never.

I’m not a big fan of change, so when things like that happen, it takes a while to get used to, but it’s kind of sad.

I couldn’t really sleep last night I think because I was kind of dreading today.

I was starting to feel sad yesterday knowing that I may never see this guy again, and I knew that today would be worse cuz it’d be his last day.

When I got into work, one of my friends happened to be sick, another was working at another office and the rest were really busy, unlike myself. So I basically had the whole day to think and not really have anyone to really distract me. I just was in a sad sort of mood and I totally felt like crying. Not specifically for him, but I guess just a bunch of things that have sort of piled up and I never really dealt with it when it happened, which is the whole reason for my depression.

It was really quiet as well and I was bored, so that didn’t help my mood at all. When it came to saying bye, I felt really awkward and my heart started beating faster. What should I say? How do I keep up my front of hating him, when I actually don’t and want tell him that I’m going to miss him?

There are many lines I couldn’t cross, also because he’s married. And yes I know it’s a horrible thing to do. I wasn’t planning on doing anything, but it’s just sort of fun to sort of be flirty when someone pays attention to you. And I hope no one is judging me, mainly because I feel like I’m my worst critic already and that I don’t think anyone has the right to judge me. That’s God’s decision and he/she can do that when the time comes.

But anyway, he came to say bye and he told me to call him and keep in touch, so he gave me his number and email. After that I didn’t feel so sad, but now it’s sort of sinking in. I guess because I texted him so he could get my number, but I got no reply. I forgot what it’s like to wait for a response. It’s much easier to tell other people not to worry than to do that yourself.

I know this blog is all over the place, but I sort of just need to get all my thoughts out.

I’ve had all this built up anger and I know it’s bad for me, so I’m going to try and blog more, even if I’m too tired and lazy.

If anyone has any advice with dealing with saying goodbye and changes and they wouldn’t mind sharing their insight, I’d really appreciate some help.