I'm having one of those nights. I always seem to be having one of those nights.
I'm stressed. Angry. Sad. Above all, I'm frustrated.
I'm unable to get past my issues. I want pain. Lots of it. I can't seem to produce it. My boyfriend has sweetly offered to provide it, but I'm too shy to take it…
I want it, oh yes… but I'm just too scared to say yes.
I wish I didn't sound as disjointed as this, but… eh. Who cares?
Basically, I'm getting that feeling that it would be easier to not exist. I'm not really going to kill myself, I don't think. I guess the fact that I don't feel comfortably saying definitively that I'm not going to off myself should be a warning sign for me. In a sense it is. I'm not terrifically sad. Really, it's just that frustration. I'm frustrated with my numerous failures, I'm frustrated by the things I'm not progressing in, I'm frustrated by the ways that I misunderstand the world, seemingly without a clue until someone taps my shoulder. I'm sick of the way that I'm a burden on others because I'm practically incapable of taking care of myself. I'm sick of being a burden on my boyfriend. I'm sick of being so overwhelmed by anxiety (no matter how frequently I oppose it) that I cannot get a job.
I hate that I'm so far in debt.
I hate that I don't have enough art supplies.
Probably not going to off myself or anything. Probably just going to hurt myself a little… as needed, of course. Would rather the boyfriend did it, but. I'm too scared to ask. And he's off playing poker anyway.
(Oh, and if anyone was concerned about the boyfriend thing, he and I do the whole BDSM thing. It's not like he's abusive or anything.)