The end of April is fast approaching!

I remember when I was younger I couldn’t wait to become an adult, wishing that time would go faster. Now at the age of 23 my whole body cringes at the thought of another day going past full of guilt. This post might not be to everyone’s taste but it is something that has been eating away at me for around 9 months.

Long story short last year was one of the worst year of my life not only did I lose everything I had worked for to my cheating ex partner of 5 years, but went to the rebound and got into an even worse relationship. Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the flames as my dad quotes all the time to me which doesn’t help. My previous relationship completely broke me, not just financial but emotionally! They say love is blind but I can honestly say that even though I didn’t love him he would make me feel so bad for him that I gave him my full attention. I got drunk one night and he pored his ” so-called heart ” out to me, detailing every harsh thing his two previous girlfriends had done to him and me being the soft person I am sat and consoled him.

My sympathy didn’t seem to be enough for him and I soon began to spending money on him like there was no tomorrow. I soon found myself trapped in some dirty cold flat with hunger pains, struggling to breath due to thick smog of cannabis smoke and worse of all I was pregnant! I never wanted to have sex but he would make me feel so shit about myself and that I would never be loved by anyone else due to my mental illnesses.

I have never felt so alone before, I had pushed everyone I had cared about so far away that I felt like I couldn’t confined in anyone. I had to make one of the biggest decision of my life and even though the father of the baby was a complete utter waste of space, I didn’t want my baby having to suffer under the hands of him like I did.

April the 26th was the due date and not a day goes past without guilt sweeping over me, it wasn’t my baby’s fault that it’s mom decided to through it’s life away because the father was an abusive drug taking selfish nob head. I have managed to break away from him and have found someone new, I just hope I can be “ loved ” again and I am not just a broken cause.