All I want to do with my life is join the national guard. All I want with my life.
I can't join the national guard .. anytime soon.
The maximum weight requirement for my height is 140. You know how much I weigh? 210. I'm an 18 year old female, height of 5'4 … and I weigh 210 lbs. I wear a size 16 pants and I never show my face in a store because I'm too embarassed to know that the biggest size that they sell, I barely fit into. I was working out for a while … but then I caved in. Everybody that I told said that I couldn't do it. They all thought me joining was a joke. I took it as a challenge, but eventually it got to so much negativety I just accepted it and told myself I couldn't. The one person I actually told this to was my old friend. He was already enlisted in the guard. He believed that I could do it; he pushed me. he understood that's all I wanted. Once me and him went out seperate ways, I had no more support. I caved in and gave up.

Part of me is so mad that my mom didn't raise me better and teach me better eating habits. Do you know how hard it is to be a senior in high school … and to hate your senior picture, have two friends, and listen to people call you fat on a daily basis? People I don't know tell me I'm fat. They tell me I look like I have down's syndrome. How do you deal with that and go against what everyone says when nobody believes in you? It makes me feel so weak. I get upset, so I start eating. i eat my feelings. I can't get myself to stop. But then again, when I try .. I actually can do it. I've done it before. My house consists of 3 17 year olds, an 11 year old , me, my moms husband, and her. I've asked her to buy better food but she doesn't because of them. All they want to do is eat junk food (and their skinny as hell) so she buys junk food to keep them happy. What about me? Why can't she support me? That's part of the reason I started using. Given the fact I have quit … I still want to from time to time. Sometimes I don't know how I keep myself from not re-using. Probably the fact that I don't want to let myself down from the success I've already have. But with this, I have no success with it. So why do I even try again? To face more disappointment everyday like I do now from my previous failure?