warning:  super long blog.  basically letting off some steam and doing some therapeutic venting, so please don't feel like you have to read all of this :-). 

so, hyde keeps telling me he's both happy and miserable.  this made me worried and concerned.  but tonight i know exactly what he means.

my day started with an email from my dad with one sentence "hold off on any decisions until we talk".  then he called me and i didn't answer.  i wound up sleeping in late and having nightmares about talking to my father.  really productive thing to do during finals.  yep.  see, the email was in response to one in which i let him know how much money i needed for tuition, books, and to secure the new apartment i'm moving into.  i know, i'm spoiled, but he offered to put me through college "no strings attached", and he did shit for me during my childhood except for lots of abuse.

anyway, i was really scared, based on his email and last few conversations that he was going to refuse to help me through school or anymore or help me live in my current city.  i think he wants me to move to texas.  the last couple times i talked to him he insisted on seeing him as soon as possible.  in the same email that i listed my financial needs i also offered may 8th, as the soonest that i could come see him.  (i have finals and commitments with my volunteer work).  this wasn't good enough, apparently.

i went over to andy's place to call my dad back because i was too scared to do it alone.  btw, i blew off plans with one of my oldest friends that i haven't seen in forever, because of this shit.  kinda ruined my whole day.  my dad spent almost an hour yelling at me telling me how concerned he is in a very martyr like way.  he wants to see me as soon as possible and basically views me as being disobedient for not dropping everything and flying out to see him right away.  he says he's losing sleep over concern for me.  of course, i know that's bullshit.  

based on our last couple conversations i know he's losing sleep over a guilty conscience.  i mean, he asked me if i was molested.  and the last time i visited him he spent the whole time talking about child abusers.  believe me, i don't bring that kind of stuff up around him.  he's obsessed with proving his innocence even tho i haven't accused him of anything (to his face, or to his family, just anonymously in therapy, in group therapy, to my closest friends, and on this website).

yet he's already asking me the standard fms bullshit.  (fms = false memory syndrome, which is a term coined by a couple who were accused of sexually abusing their daughter).  he asked me if my therapists are suggesting possible traumas in my life and if they have told me not to talk to my family.  

i'm seeing psychologists at a top research university.  i'm not seeing just anyone.  he asked about their credentials and i told him he could look at the staff page for the university counseling center and get the full background of anyone i've been seeing.  

i've also told him that my therapists don't speculate, they just ask questions.  but anyway, i think he's super paranoid and guilty.  but someone who molested a little girl should feel fucking guilty.  but i digress.

he kept insisting (to the point of being scary and psychotic) that he had to see me in person to discuss my therapy in full and everything in my life for the past three years.  he wants every detail of my work in therapy, my past work history, my school work, my volunteer work, and my friends.  and he thinks this is normal for family.  apparently family is supposed to know absolutely everything about each other.

so i caved.  i asked someone to cover for me next weekend at my volunteer gig.  i'm going to see him on the 2nd.  i have no choice.  he's holding my tuition money hostage until i see him.  i feel like a whore because i was so close to telling him to fuck off and just trying to find a way to survive financially on my own.  but i quit my job back in october because of my anxiety and because i let myself get walked on at work.  and it's such bad timing.  because i'm moving and starting the summer semester, i stand to lose thousands of dollars if i don't make him happy.  and there's no way, even if i got a job yesterday, i could make that kind of money in time.  i would lose the new apartment i haven't even moved into yet. 

anyway, my plan is to be working by the end of the summer so that i won't have to keep giving in.  if i can support myself i can just tell him to fuck off.  i'm scared of giving him my new address when i move, tho.  he told me today that if i didn't go see him he would come down and see me.  how much more determined will he be if i try to break contact with him?  

i'm even more scared of the trip coming up.  he sounds desperate and angry.  i'll keep a knife and a roll of quarters on me at all times (yep, i'm classy), but he carries a smith and wesson revolver on his ankle and a baby glock behind his back at all times.  and he's super paranoid and aggressive.  and he likes to take me to mexico where bribing is easier.  okay, maybe i inherited some paranoia.  he's probably not going to off me.  i'm planning on taking a voice recorder tho in case he says anything incriminating.   

and my brother wants to talk, he won't say what about, but it has to be in person.  everyone in my family has a knack for useless drama.  of course, my brother lives with me, so it is kinda less weird for him to demand a face to face conversation.  and he promised to buy me breakfast.  so i'm hoping it's going to be a good conversation.  we haven't spoken in about five months.  he's been an angry drunk, and our last conversation consisted of him cursing and yelling and throwing things at me.  i made the mistake of asking him for his late rent money.  so here's hoping he's going to apologize.  or at least be nice.  we used to help each other when it came to parental damage control.  if my brother tells my dad i'm doing alright, i know he'll calm down immensely.  

wow, long long blog of misery so far.  where's the happiness?  well, as andy observed, i recovered really quickly from the conversation with my dad.  normally that kind of thing would have me shaking for days.  but i've learned to stop fighting the pain and just feel it.  somehow that makes it easier, and i get through it faster.  i'm ridiculously happy and proud of myself for being okay right now.  i'm hysterically pleased with myself for not being a collapsed mess.  so even tho i didn't go to class today and didn't get any studying done, i'm choosing to be happy with myself and view today as a huge success rather than a failure.

secondly, i know my happiness shouldn't depend on someone else's feelings towards me, but andy was so supportive.  he was very welcoming about me coming over to call my dad back.  and i know that it was a bad time for him, he had therapy today and he's behind in work, but he didn't mention any of that and made me feel very okay with being at his place.  (i have a lot of anxiety about being where i'm not welcome.  i have a key to his place, and i still worry.  last time i let myself in it was because my urge to use his bathroom trumped my anxiety.)  anyway, he let me chill at his place most of today and took the time to be really be there for me.  he also made me dinner, which was really sweet of him.  and he called after i left to see how i was doing.  and he mentioned a lot that he was impressed with how well i was doing.  oh, and he offered to go with me to texas and stay in my dad's town so that he'd be close by if anything happened.  i told him not to do anything so drastic, however, if i get into a bind, i'll hide out in a mexican hotel and call him up and ask him to rescue me.  

thirdly, even tho i'm under orders to not make any decisions, i signed my new lease yesterday!  i'm super excited that as of may 19th i'll officially have my own place.  and i love it!!!  and i love my new landlady, she's awesome.  

okay, well, there ya go.  i'm happy and miserable.  i should really go to sleep now!  i have a breakfast meeting with my brother in six and half hours.  after that i have therapy.  and after that i'll be doing volunteer stuff for a few hours.  and after that i'll be studying like hell for the two finals i have on thursday.  yippee???