It's been awhile……but unfortunately, I'm back due to marital difficulties. To give you a little background, my wife and I are both 39, been married for almost 14 years and been together almost 18. We have 3 children (2 boys, 8 and 10, and a girl 4). I always thought we had a happy marriage. Sure I had my faults, I drank too much and did not help with the housework and/or kids enough, but my wife never gave me any indication that it was too much for her or that she was unhappy in the marriage. We have thoughtful, happy, well adjusted children and we are financially secure (both work full time). I was never abusive physically or mentally and we hardly ever even fought.

She started showing signs of a MLC about 12 months ago as she started to go out with her girlfriends more (all wives of friends) – sometimes until 2 or 3 in the morning. I didn't think too much about it as the other wives were involved – they even had a “girl’s weekend” in Vegas. Then in September 2009, she decided to get a breast enlargement to help her with her “self esteem” as she had "wanted to all of her life" (I let her know that I loved her the way she was but that if that is what she wanted I was fine with it). We were both very happy with the results. She started working out more, and our sex life multiplied by about 3X. The going out continued though to the point of me getting upset and a few heated arguments. Sometimes it was to bars with the girls, sometimes it was scrapbooking, sometimes it was just going to one of the ladies homes and getting blasted. The fact was that she was not home with me or the kids for at least a couple of nights per week. I flat out asked her several times why she felt she needed to go out and she gave me the story about being a mother so long, and giving “so much” that she needed to let off some steam with the girls occasionally. I bought the explanation but told her we needed to come to some type of compromise about the amount of time (2X a week was too much for me) she was spending away from home. The going out slowed down and we got through the holidays. In January, however, it started again. I asked her point blank if anything was wrong, or if she was unhappy in the marriage. She flat out told me “No” and gave me the same response about letting off some steam.

In February, the day after attending a friend’s Super-bowl party, I was hungover after work and went to bed early.

The next day, she just told me she was just “so done” WHAT?????

Then, all of the sudden, all of this stuff starts coming up about her being depressed for two years to the point of wanting to crawl in a hole and die. WHAT????

Then supposedly I had “put her through hell” for the last 10 years. WHAT?????

OK….now I know something is wrong. Even though she had flat out denied any unhappiness several times, she told me “I should have known”. Can you believe that s#&t?

In any event, we both agreed to marriage counseling and I agreed to quit drinking cold turkey (which by the way it has been 4 months). I have also become “super-dad” and have been really doing double duty around the house. We both promised the counseler that we would be totally committed to the relationship for at least the next six months. The big problem is her attitude. Although cordial, she is cold, and when we do occasionally have sex, it is like just going through the motions. She resembles the women I married virtually in appearance only. In fact, even some of her close friends, think she is acting different. She still goes out quite a bit and insists that there is nothing going on (affair wise). That said, she texts all the time with her girlfriends and facebook’s about how much “fun” they are all going to have when they go out. They are all quoting song lyrics and acting like a bunch of single teenage girls.

As you can imagine, all of this has kicked my OCD back in……..groan…..just needed to vent

  1. ancientgeekcrone 12 years ago

    I am so sorry.  Unfortunately, I think it happens a lot.  One member of the couple is not forthcoming and just stuffs and stuufs and the one day….pouf, one gigondo explosion, with words like I've had enough, or I'm outa here.  The spouse that stuffs can be of either gender; both sexes are guilty of expecting the other partner to mind read.  Oh course this never workd; but the words are memorable: You should've known.  Why you should've known beats me!  Hang in there this too shall pass. 

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  2. barkley 12 years ago

    Thanks  AGC.  I am doing my best to just focus on my kids happiness right now and praying and hoping that my wife will open her heart back up to me at some point. 

    Ironically, as bad as things are right now, they are 10,000 less stressful than when I was in the middle of my religious OCD.  I can't imagine how bad it would be if I was dealing with both (shudder).

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  3. barkley 12 years ago

    Thanks…trying to take things day by day, but the situation REALLY blows!

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  4. barkley 12 years ago

    It's like I have this starnge alien in my house who has taken posession of my wife's body

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