one forum i read and posters there have in the past actually encouraged me to post more which made me really happy because of how incredibly self concious i am about those things. but since then i think, like i did before, that i don't fit in, and need to stop, and i can't keep up. i feel like every time i try to post im being scrutinized by someone or myself and it drives me nuts. the last few times i posted i feel like i was immediately attacked or rebuked. and i know im not speaking like they are. what i say isnt organic, its all plotted. im not talking, im not expressing thoughts in a conversation, its a stamp, im talking to mostly myself. im puzzleing other things into a plastic prop-up post to prove to myself i can. im done posting my thoughts anywhere but a journal, i dont have the capability.

on tumblr i already stopped talking period and only post images. people follow me but they dont care about -me- becaus ei keep myself out of it. when i say things i regret it and end up editing multiple times, and finally wishing i never wrote it. on twitter i feel like i have nothing to say ever anymore. im changing some medications and i know i have it in me, somewhere, to be interesting and have thoughts but not now. i want to make internet friends like other people do, but i have nothing to say to them…i dont talk. im creepy. i don't talk much in real life or internet except to these blogs. on instant messager i have only a couple people i talk to now, i used to have so many. i feel like i fail when i talk to them. a new psychiatrist says i have mania.