I am going to share something difficult and idk if there is anyone who may have gone through this. I had been married a long time since i was young but it was awful all the way sorry to say. Without much details as you don't need a sob story. Of course you probably think get divorce and though numerous times i wanted to go down that avenue even wrote up papers i chickened out. Fast forward through these times i pretty much have been alone he is never with me or engages in any conversation this is how i lived but i had many friends interests etc. When situations prompted me to leave the home i did ususally very short spurts. Then we settled into coexisting though i am the maid and servant and second class citizen but i do have my own interests and life. During these years i was approached by other men but i never even thought of something like that and thats that. Then a situation occured where i was approached and though i said no the person was persistant and kind and what not. I chose the wrong path for the first time and it is eating away at me and i am even more paralyzed and depressed and what not. I feel like my life is over and i am going through the motions. My spouse (i can't even call him that) said there is no pill to take that away and he is right. He is mean to me by nature just how it is how its been but he feels its the other persons fault since that person is like that all the time (a player) and i have nevef been remotely like that. I can't never forgive myself i am not getting any younger and i wonder is the last part of my life going to be like this? I was rereading this because of my ocd of course, i want to share just an example of how my life was without too many details when he use to get home from work i would greet him outside and hew would have a water bottle and try to spit the water on me just close enough things like that he enjoyed making me afraid he had no respect for me i try to talk to him and he walked away  like i was not even speaking or when my dad died he said shut up and stop crying.  I went thru so much alone but now it changed because i changed i dont greet him obviously and I am way more assertive i opened my eyes but at what cost my integrity thats lost.