I am pretty content and okay now, but it has been a really rough day. I talked to my dad today and he really helped me to feel better. I also talked to him Friday night. I normally don't get to talk to him so much, but it has been nice, really nice. What happened was: The weekend started out pretty good. Ed came home and was here for me, after I had gotten my allergy testing and been at the doctors office all day, which was kind of painful. Allergy testing does suck. It was his idea for us to go out. Going out is really very much my thing and helps put me in a good mood, and we hadn't done it in a long time. I love going out to bars and clubs, hearing loud music and drinking. Sometimes even a little bit of dancing. All of it, especially the loud music, helps to drown out all the terrible thoughts, memories and flashbacks. It gives me a break, a reprieve. Anyway, so we had a great night Friday night and I was in a great mood all of Saturday, for that reason. I can't remember the last time I was in that good of a mood. Then, Sunday morning came and my mom texted me, and everything went downhill from there. Extremely downhill. This is what she said: "I'm kinda thinkin, maybe if I gave you my life, killed myself, you could be rid of me and you would be happy! Take care of ur brothers, I'm not that great anyway, right!"
You see, I haven't been talking to her and so this is why she is doing this. She has always done so much to me and I am just trying to move past it now and be happy. She can't ever stop having a negatiove effect on my life when she is in it, so I decided she can't be in it. I am done suffering. I am done suffering for her and always being kind, compromising and understanding. I just can't do that anymore. She is supposed to be my mother and doing that for me. But, enough with the ranting. My husband called her for me to talk to her, so I wouldn't have to, and he left her a very kind voicemail, letting her know that thereare people who love her and would miss her. My brothers are some of those people and I know there are others. After my husbandleft the voicemail, this is what she responded with via text: "No, that message is not the answer for me! I love you for being so kind and sincere but truly, ur her husband and I want to respect you!" Anyway, I had to go through a whole mess of emotions and extreme lows today, because of the messages andsome that followed. But, I am doing a lot better now, which is good. My dad and husband helped me to realize that if she does something to herself than it is not my fault. Ido not deserve to be blackmailedinto talking to her and continuing to be damaged by her.My husband already called and he spoke for both of us. He spoke on my behalf. There is nothing more I can do and there is nothing more I need to do. I truly believe that. It is up to her whether or notshe does something or not, and it will be on her if she does. I will not be blamed for making someone want to kill themselves, especially not her, as I have done nothing to warrant that type of behavior.Nobody is perfect, but I have been a pretty good daughter most of the time.I have done what she has askedof me most of the time, for all of my life, until now.I have listened to her complain for hours upon hours. She has broken countlesspromises to me, abused me, physically, mentallyand emotionally. She alsoabandoned me once, by dropping me off at my dads and then leaving. Not a call, appearance, or letter for months. I can't exactly remember how long it lasted. But, I knowI cried myself to sleep missing her for days upon days. I think I have been understanding enough all of my life and definitely taken advantage of more than enough. I deserve better now and to be able to move on from my past and the things that were done to me.
Thank you for reading this. I am sorry it was so long.