Hello. I'm at home in Japan now. I live with my parents and have no brother and sister.

Now i feel sad so much:/ my mother has been suffering from OCD for about 20 years since i was born. she fear that she might hurt or kill others, especially me. it is needle that she fear the most. she makes sure almost all the things which are related to me, my clothes, my foods, the place where i will sit or stand, and so on, whether they are dangerous or not. she will be upset when i act against "her rituals". i can't go out and take a bath without her permission and rituals. sometimes i'm late for school and can't take a bath for 2 or 3 days because of her OCD. she strongly blames on me whenever i do things which upset her…for example, sitting on the floor of the living room without her permission, eating something which are regarded as"dangerous to eat" by her and so on. i really know that i should support her mentally, but sometimes i speak to her irritatedly…. i'm so sorry for that, but i feel soooo much stress which are came from trying to avoid making her upset.

when i was 12, i couldn't go to school because the status of my mother's OCD was so bad. she bought many randosels (which are bags all Japanese elementary school students use), because they are regarded dangerous for me to use by her, and i couldn't take a bath only once a week. my taking a  bath was hardship for her. i was very suffering then, and my mother and I cried almost every day. my father lacked in kindness and he often be angry with her. such his behavior made her disease worse, i think. she had taken SSRI for seven years, but recently she changed her medicine and began to take rubox (maybe i make a mistake in spelling…) her doctor told that CBT are necessary, but she hasn't started yet.

it seems that recently my behavior always make her irritated. i have a lot of complexes and sometimes feel deep depression and feel that i'm inferior to others. i'm not cute, not kind, not smart, and so on. i always tend to compare me to others. he has more friends than i have and so on…of course i have many friends, but i have no courage to consult about my mother's OCD. so i feel lonliness.

thanks for reading:)