It seems as though, every time I start to get down on how I feel, somebody points out something that I've done that inspires or impresses them. It's kind of wierd, considering how low an impression I have on myself. It mainly goes back to last year, although I've only revealed fractions of my emotions as I could stand them.
As I've said before, I'm not a normal person; and I'm not afraid to prove it. On the night I was going to attempt suicide, one of the girls that tried to convince me not to brought up an event I've never thought much of. Peer pressure is something that everyone is familiar with at one point, but very few have ever shown that they don't buckle to it. And no, this has nothing to do with anything that's illegal, I'm far to above the influence to do those kinds of things. I told an entire senior class to either shut up or leave the school grounds. Twice.
In all justice, I was cranky both times from overstress and embargoed emotions. Nothing really special to prove when I did it. There were just a bunch of teenagers who had nothing better to do than talk during an assembly and I got fed up with them. But for some reason, that girl saw that as something that proved that I was -what's the word?- gallant. That I have a lot more courage than most people my age. A lot of the senior class that was fed up with the obnoxiousness thought I did.
I don't stand for what I did, yet I'm not opposed to it. I just don't see what's so impressive about it. I acted based off of my emotions instead of logic, something I never take pride in. It doesn't seem to speak too much about my character for one. Then again, I've always been distant from the teenage community, or at least the world in general. I've always had my head in some distant world, be it a story, the multiverse, a song's meaning, or just plain old ignorance of what's truly going on around me.
Then there are those people who get a hand of my writing style and tell me to work on it. Not that I haven't tried on several occasions. Writers like Haruki Murakami, J.K. Rowling, S.E. Hinton – they've all had an influence on the way I write, even as a kid. In truth, my writing style is a combination of every writing style that I've come across. The only problem with it – I'm not an original writer. I work best when it comes to events and reviews, not fiction, something that bothers me because I once thought of becoming a novelist at the age of ten. (Never thought I'd ever reveal that before.)
What is it that people keep seeing in me? I'm no saving grace, but when people tell me that kind of stuff, I just get really uneasy about it. I'm a likeable person able to befriend even the most unlikely of people, but other than that, I don't think there's something truly special about me. It could be all the self-appointed pressure to prove who I am right now, but there isn't a single talent I have that can help me in dire situations. I'm legally an adult now who's still unemployed because I keep doubting myself. Will I end up impacting the world in a huge way, or am I just a small person who has no say in how life works? That question keeps bugging me too much.