Now that all the presents are unwrapped, all the gifts have been given and all the "merry Christmas' " shared, it's back to reality. Don't get me wrong, I was very grateful for all the lovely things I received ~ Egyptian Cotton sheets, a really cool stone cat that when you put a candle in it his eyes lit up brilliant emerald, a gorgeous gold and diamond ring, beautiful earrings, butterfly covered pj pants, a holder for my violin so that I don't have to keep putting it away everytime I use it ~ so many nice and wonderful things.But for some reason I feel like crying. I'm very tired because my son awoke at 5 a.m. and got me up to see all the presents (which I had put out last night around midnight). It was great to see his face light up like that ~ it made my day. :-)But I feel as though something is truly missing from all of this, and my heart's not into it. The best thing about today has been watching Zachary open his gifts this morning and how excited he was about it. Now though I'm going downhill and quickly so.

I wonder if I could cry, would I feel any better afterwards? Probably not. It's like my body has forgotten how to workthat particular outlet for the most part. If I'm feeling really low ocassionally I will cry, and cry really hard until I'm too tired to do it anymore. Then I fall asleep.

I know what part of the problem is; it's because my husband has to work tonight and it's Christmas. Because he's working tonight he had to go to bed around 11 a.m. to try to get some rest. And again this coming weekend he's working an extra shift on Friday. I feel like this is the one time of year he needs to be home with his family, but he cannot turn down overtime ~ it's a lot of money, and we need the extra income.

I'm anxious and tired and sad. My stomach's upset from being so stressed out. WHY am I stressed out?! I don't get it; it's like the anxiety is there regardless of what I do. I know I need to talk to my psychiatrist about this, but I just saw him a short while ago…I don't want to be one of those pain in the butt patients who always complains about everything. Maybe I should cut out all caffeine, I wonder if that would lessen the anxiety issues.

Today I feel fat, ugly and undesirable for some reason. I don't like who's in the mirror much. In fact, I kind of hate her. I know it's the depression and the self-esteem issues talking(thanks for that Dad!), but it doesn't change how I feel. Everytime I look at myself in the mirror or try on new clothesI feel this way.

I'm really sorry for dumping this mess here onChristmas Day, but I needed to vent about it and say it out loud. I really dislike myself physically and personality-wise. Hopefully this will pass in a short periodof time, but who knows.

With all that's going on insideI have one more thing to say besides Merry Christmas….I'm going to be away from Dtribe for the mostpart over the next week or so. I need to pull my head together but I'm toobusy trying to support other people to do myself any good. So if you don't see me for awhile just know my absence is only temporary. I love you all and hope that the rest of your season remain joyful.

All My Love ~ Keya


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