Re-registered on this site after deleting my account over stress. Part of that stress being someone that exists on this site, but mostly related to other things that I'm still currently dealing with. Running away doesn't solve anything, neither does erasing outlets for frustration. It was a stupid decision on my part. I make a lot of those lately, it seems.

After being dicked around for two weeks straight by multiple people/things, I've finally just dropped to rock bottom & am afraid pretty soon I'll sink right through the ground. Extenuating circumstances have all led up to a full psych evaluation at the Baptist hospital here, followed up possibly by a mandatory stay in a respite home (more or less housing for lesser mentally ill people), so the constant stress of preparing for that (which the date of constantly changes, typically by a day or two everytime the day arrives due to lack of beddings in the hospital itself among other things) has really begun to tear at me.

My closest friend has basically decided to give up on me, which comes as a surprise, even though it shouldn't considering she's been distant for almost two years already anyway, but regardless, it's a loss & one that's heavily taken it's toll on my composure. I did what I could, they believed it wasn't enough, when I really consider it, it probably wasn't.

Perhaps if I had been more aggressive earlier on instead of giving her space, this could have been avoided, but I tried to take the "nice guy" approach (or even just "the cowards" approach, which was greeted with the typical boot stomping response that comes with it. She'd swear otherwise, I guess in some ways I couldn't blame her, but the fact is I was always here & willing to work on things while she fluttered about indulging herself to strangers instead of mending our friendship — so, well, I'm not sure what to say after that. It's painful to be aware of that, but I wanted to give her space & in the end that space became quite a void & now she is gone. Not entirely because of her issues, but mine as well. It is a hard thing to reconcile with.

We all make mistakes, I did try my hardest so I want to say I have no regrets… but it's hard to say that when your hardest was meager effort at most. Maybe after this hospital trip I can start to improve myself & move on, but it's difficult to just let go of someone you quite literally gave your heart to & considered a family member.

If anyone actually tries to contact me after Monday, don't be offended if you don't get a response, because that's supposedly when I'll finally be admitted & get things moving. One positive thing is while I am there, my therapist & social workers are pushing to get my neuro workup done for my seizures & even get me in to see a Orthopedist to look into proper surgery for my shoulder (which I have messed up severely, disfiguring the bone, while it has calcified in unusual places creating a deformed joint+socket that makes it disgustingly easy for my shoulder to dislocate even over the simplest of things.)

(This is good, because I have no insurance & have been denied services from essentially every place I have applied to beyond social security, which is going to deny me, too, but it just takes them months to even respond in the first place. I only manage to get therapy through a program worked out for me through the social workers I found at my hospital visit in October — where I was finally feeling so depressed & suicidal that I forced up the courage to admit myself into the ER at a hospital that pretty much accepts anyone regardless of insurance (&, due to this, is quite a busy & terrible hospital). I was lucky & found a DCF worker that got me in touch with the right people, but now I've been setup with an ultimatum that I have to admit myself to the psych ward & potentially the "respite home" or I lose those U-Act services which provide me my social workers & therapy.)

Yeah, this turned out really long winded & I doubt anyone will read it or even care, but I really needed to vent it all out anyway. I have incredible social anxiety in addition to this, which is crippling my efforts; while I've developed a horrendeous alcohol addiction I really hope I can kick after my arm is taken care of & I get the proper medication doses — whatever it is they think I need so badly they are willing to force such an ultimatum on me to force me to get the "level of care" I need.

I guess that's all. I'm really tired of having no control over my life, & while some of this is ultimately good, it's still, as always, entirely out of my hands which leaves me feeling like a puppet on strings. I can't even bring any electronic devices to the hospital psych ward & they won't even explain why, since in the rest of the hospital wards they offer wi-fi for laptops & all that BS. They won't compromise on any of my conditions & I guess they figure, "why should we?" because they know I have no choice in the matter anyway unless I want to lose all of the help I found in October.

Life is a series of compromises indeed.