I’ve searched for years to find what best describes how I’ve been feeling. It’s such a strong feeling and dampens my soul so. You’d think that’d beckon a strong name or term. Not that a label really matters, but it helps put it into perspective. And after those few years of searching, a friend recently said it. Hopeless. Such a boring and over used word. But, that’s what it is. I feel rather blessed in life. I have a good job. Good savings. Great parents and siblings. And im still rather young at 23, yet I still feel behind. But thats not quite what brings my hopelessness to bear. Rather, it’s my state of mind. Call it an obsession, but I love connection. I love talking. Communicating. And for all intensive purposes, im a home body. But I desire and yearn for deep conversations and connections. Of which I’ve ever truly shared with a few people. One of which I shared for many years. And although our time has passed, I still feel the loss tremendously. I don’t miss her per say, but I miss having that connection. I miss having that desire between two souls to share everything. I wish her the best, call it fate or providence, our time is done. Yet knowing such a feeling CAN exist drives me nuts. Although a deep connection in a different way, I also share this with my younger brother. Whom I cherish deeply. But he’s also one I have such a deep connection with. The only one I have been able to genuinely share everything with for a few years now. However, he’s going on to university. Of which I’m proud of him and wish him all the best. But in my current selfish state of mind? I’m devastated. It makes my soul bleed thinking about it. A bond of which has been by my side since the day he was born, and the credit to my ability to stay stable and be productive, is about to be gone. That’s part of life. We all have to get along. But id be lying if I said it didn’t torment me. I’ve had seasons in my life where metal and fiber have touched dangerously close to my body. All because I’d lost all hope. By I always had those deep connections to fall back on and talk me away. I’ve always been confident in staying safe because of it. But if the past few months have taught me any new lessons, it’s that I’m weak. I can work as long as the sun kissed the earth. I can bear most any pain. But this hopelessness I fear will be the end of me.

Needed to get my thoughts out into words. Thank you for all who read. Be safe out there.