Ok so I don't know how I am really doing.  I recently just started seeing a new therapist a few weeks ago.  I have only seen her twice…I was on a camping trip (and Phish shows attending) so I canceled my appt and then this week, today in fact she canceled on me.  I am not pissed, saves me a co pay and I have another phish show to go to tomorrow…every penny counts.  I was supposed to have a list or a written idea of what I want out of therapy…I don't know what to say exactly…I have been in therapy for years and I really want a continuation of care from what I have been working on with my psychiatrist/therapist.  But she does not want to request any records from him regarding the therapy we have done.  I think I want her to.  I feel like I am starting blank…I do not want to start completely over…but she could get the records from my doctor and see what we have been working on and make her own assesment and proceed with some previous knowledge about me.  Am I wrong.  She says she doesn't request records because then she may create a bias…I can understand that, but there is so much that…there is just so much.  2 visits with the therapist and I am already skeptical.  I know 2 visits is not enough to know for sure but with my current therapist/psychiatrist I knew right way.  I keep telling myself to keep an open mind.  This is so frustrating.

I got up early and took Sierra for a 30 minute brisk walk…it was nice breezy and a little overcast.  I am very proud of myself for getting up and out so early.  And for doing 2 laps around the park instead of one.

I really have been feeling better, more human…its been awhile since I have felt human…But I still have all these negative thoughts in my head…I am working on ignoring them…still suicidal thoughts too…though just a quick thought…not constantly thinking about it.   I am trying to see the devestating beauty if the world and there is still a darkness there in my soul,,,I do not think it will ever go away…and I wait for it to rear its ugly head again.

Sorry just rambling today…


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