Forgive my ranting, but I'm just so frustrated and stressed out right now that I just need to get it out, and I figured this was the place to do it.

Anxiety disorders run in my family. My brother has it, my mom had it, aunts, uncles, cousins have it. There's a bunch of other nasty life experiance stuff that goes into it, but I'm not gonna go into that in this post.

Right now, I'm having a bad flare up in anxiety. I've been under a lot of stress for months now. I started a new job, and I just finished closing on a house and I'm going to be moving into here in a couple weeks. Yes, it's happy stress, but it's still stress.

Right now I can barely function my job is going down the drain. My ability to concentrate and my memory is shot. And it's not a case where "pay attention" and "concentrate harder" is going to fix it. In fact, my doctor has told me NOT to do that because it's going to make it worse (and she's right, the more I try, the worse it gets). Stress compounds it, and as I said, I'm pretty consistantly stressed right now. She's sure my concentration problems are related to my anxiety disorder and/or my thyroid (we're looking into it).

My coworkers don't trust me, nobody wants me to help them, and I've been demoted from most of my duties. I get laughed at or yelled at a lot for the silly brainless things I do (not just at work but from friends who think it's just normal derp moments) and it hurts like hell.

I look and act like a total idiot and there is nothing I can do about it.

It's so humiliating I want to crawl right out of my skin. I can't remember the simplest stupid directions because nothing is penetrating my brain. I mess up things I already know how to do just fine. It doesn't stop at work either, I've messed up taking a shower, making coffee, housework, etc. I can't remember what someone tells me a minute or two after they tell me.

Being able to read, write, and do basic arithmetic is taking so much effort it's not pretty.

I'm keeping as many lists as I can to help with my duties and they do help some. But lists are better for memory issues, not concentration. There is always one random thing NOT on the list that happens that I miss completely and it's right in front of my face, or I just plain do what's on the list wrong, read it wrong, perceive it wrong, etc.

And the worst part about all this is that it's totally subconscious. It's not something I can control. The actual feelings of anxiety are really easy for me to deal with. I've had a very loooong practice of cognitive behavior therapy techniques and meditation that works awesomely. So I'm not dealing with feelings of angst, worry, concern, fear or anything like that. I actually rarely get them. I'm really a very even-tempered and happy person most of the time.

So the anxiety goes burrows the subconscious and starts manifesting as physical problems. My body and mind is exausted because my body is redirecting all my energy into holding my muscles ridged and in a state of stress.

Which is what's frustrating me now. As I said, trying harder is the exact opposite of what I should be doing because I'm already exhausted from stress. But not trying is especially difficult for me, because I'm the type of person who tackles problems head on and figures out solutions. So this idea of "don't try harder" is totally against my nature.

It's against my job too, because there are a lot of moments of "all hands on deck, get it done NOW!" (I work at a free-range doggy daycare/boarding facility. I have to be ready and in the zone when a dog fight breaks out, or a nail excises from the quick, or during feeding time when it's complete chaos and dogs are going out of their head with excitement for their dinners. It's NOT a good time to have concentration problems).

So the worst symptoms are in a realm only medicine can reach. My mind and my body are on two different wavelengths and they aren't talking to each other.

I'm doing everything I possibly can. Making lists, checking them 4 times (which doesn't help all that much. I can check things to kingdom come and it STILL won't register), being mindful, and working closely with my doctor (who's running tests right now).

I'm having a bout of serious temporary disability here, and I don't know what to do about it till it gets fixed.

Does anybody else go through this? I can't be alone.

1 Comment
  1. mistressofanxiety 9 years ago

    Get the book \”Change Your Brain, Change Your Life\” by Dr. Daniel Amen.

    0 kudos

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