Here's my timeline leading up to my current confused state. I'm hoping that this site is small enough that someone will actually read this and big enough that someone can relate…

I am OCD, Bi-Polar, ADHD, and Epileptic. Awesome combination, huh? In 2004 I was sent to a shrink and told i was depressed, was given meds and then went insane. I did all the classic Bi-Polar stuff (Spent $300 on toys and sporting goods at walmart once and i was 23 and didnt play sports, Drug problems, Etc…). I eventually ended updoing a outpatient psychological program where i was told i was Bi-Polar and the last couple years of my life where in part due to the fact thar i was hypo-manic for up to 2yrs. Good times.

The OCD was diagnosed after i had gone through 7 psychologists and no one was helping me get better. Myrecent doctor wanted no past medical history, he said he wanted to start withablank slate (still think thats odd). After months of getting frustrated with him because i didnt know what thehell he was trying todo for me and didnt understand the direction of histherapy i finally asked him ifhe thought i had bi-polar. He said iwas moderate to severe case of ocd and that he also believes i have a pretty severeemotional deficiency that is preventing me fromexperiencing feelings correctly.(I literally just realized hedidnt specifically say bi-polar….)

So that was the medical stuff. I am obssessed with being efficient.My days are structured down to the minute (Maybe in a future blog ill write down my daily schedule just for fun) (I seem to like parenthesis today).If you watched the ocd project i ama combination of theyoung blond guy and the blondchick. side note:I watch that show and everytime i see them get over something i just start getting pissedand want to break my hand(i have acompulsion that comes andgoes where i hit my hand on the floor, i have broken ittwice, I shattered aknuckle and tendons and have a punch of scar tissue but do i stop? Of course not because i am crazy)because iam soooo jealous of the people on the show for getting better i dont know what to do with myself.I have sent so many letters and emails to get on the show i dont its embarassing. I have become obssessed with Dr. Tolin. Of course its so awesome that i related closest with the blonde girl who he suggested going straight to another in-patient program…

My problem is thatIam a complete anutter failure at therapy and treatment in general. I have no idea how to spot my ocd and bi-polar symptoms and also have no idea how to tell them apart.My ocd is just consistently getting worse. I have this picture in my head of my Bi-Polar standing behind my ocd biding its time ready to spring at me at anytime. I'm ruining my marriage, its making me hate so many things its not funny. I come home from work sometimes and just stand in the middle of the room for hours until my wife gets home from work because i cant decide what to do with myself (I have serious problems deciding things because im sure ill get it wrong and that includes deciding what to say to someone and that is no good in a marriage).

The best part is that i halucinate,how awesome is that!!Oh and ironically i can spill my heart out and talk to people on the internet and text messages but anywhere else….and im like a vegitable….

I better end this now. Anyone similar to me? I need to know im not the only one failing and the only one with bi-polar and ocd, I feel like im all alone with it and no one can understand me. I wish this site work on my phone…