Today I started my day in a state of deep despair and depression. I cried uncontrollably just like I do every NIGHT. So now it's not just night time. It's any time. when my roommates left, I thought about writing them a note and leaving it on the fridge. It would say "Thanks for being such great roommates. I really love you guys, you were so supportive when I was going through a rough time. But now it's over, and none of will have to suffer anymore". The thought…was a thought. I hadn't decided against it…but i hadn't carried it out. Probably because I needed to feel something cut into my flesh so urgently that I was ransacking the kitchen drawers looking for a knife sharp enough to do the job. To my surprise, we have very dull knives. So then I did what I usually do and pried a blade out of a disposable razor. Normally..in the past, I was at least prepared. Had something to clean it with, and made sure I didn't get blood on anything. But this time was different. It has happened like this before…the urgency…the compulsiveness…but usually I at least THINK about being careful. Today I didn't. Nothing entered my mind. Nothing. I couldn't move or think. I sat there and stared at the bleeding wounds. And I had no control over myself. So anyway, I had to go find a job, so after awhile, I have no idea how long, I put my arm in front of a vent because it was still bleeding. It clotted the blood, and I got dressed and went out as if nothing had happened. I applied at every place I could think of, and no one was hiring. So on my way home as I was thinking of just ending it all because I felt like a complete failure, I applied at this hookah bar I used to hang out at a lot. A place I really loved before I stopped socializing. I got hired on the spot and I start on Thursday. I'm still depressed. I want to cut. I don't want to stop cutting I want to start and keep going. 🙁