I’ve always been the sad lonely child who likes isolation and never really fit in with people. Even though I was the first child “Who is supposed to be taken care of” my mother often told me that I needed to lose weight.. I wasn’t even fat, but she wanted me “skinny” like most girls. I remember feeling disgusted just by looking at my legs in that brown jeans I used to wear in my 5th grade. I remember being constantly scared of being judged, of being called fat.. No one ever called me that, except for my mother 🙂

I grew old with low self esteem because she thought that my hair is horrible “curly”, my face is full of acne, my nose is not good, I’m fat, and I never act like girls..

Now that I’m turning 22 , I like my hair the way it is, the acne is almost gone and even if there are still some marks but it will be treated soon, I know I’m not fat.. Actually, some of the skinny people I know told me that they wanna be like me, statistically my weight matches my height perfectly..

And I never act like girls refers to not being the outgoing type who makes friends with a lot of people, to me preferring to stay at home and read a book instead of hanging out, to choosing to spend my free time watching movies or TV shows, to me being depressed all the time..

My mother is not a bad person, she was just scared that I’d be everything she didn’t want to be and ended up to. She thinks she’s fat and didn’t want me to be like her. She probably had good intentions, but I was wronged by her actions..

I had troubles with breathing ever since I was in the 6th grade, I went to many doctors in different fields.. each ended up with the same conclusion, “There’s nothing wrong in the reports, scans, blood tests, etc .. The reason is probably psychological or bad eating habits”

My psychological state was often neglected. And it wasn’t until when I was 20 after more than a year of physical pain and constant troubles in breathing and sometimes not being able to move for hours, I was taken to a neurologist who himself asked for blood tests and  EMG and ended up with the same conclusions as others.. but this one was different, he talked to me in private for a while and then described some antidepressants and told my mother that I had severe depression..

The meds made the physical pain go for a while, but now it just gets worse.. and what is worse is how my mother reacted to the doc’s words.. For days she kept saying things like “Depressed? why the hell are you depressed? what did we do to deserve this? we provided you with everything you need and you end up being depressed?”

This was carved into my soul.. She never understood.. She still doesn’t..

I’m more aware of what happened to me now, I read more and more about depression, anxiety and psychology in general.

I know that she didn’t mean any harm, and I accept everything that happened to me and I know that everything I’ve been through has helped shape the way I am today.. I know all of this, I understand..

But still I don’t understand why I feel like I don’t accept myself as I am.. Why do I constantly feel like I’m not good enough and I will never be?.. Why do I think that everyone around me is better than me.. why do I constantly have the thought that I will never be happy?

I’ve been trying to fight depression for a while after I used to give up to suicidal thoughts, I keep telling myself that the world is still good, there are a lot of places to visit.. that there are many reasons to hold on..

and I watch a movie and I feel happy and excited.. and I eat my favorite dessert and feel like I own the world.. And I read a book for motivation or self love and acceptance and be motivated.. but all of that fades away after a maximum couple of days.. I get knocked down but I get up again and again.. I’ve been like that for the past 3 months.. But now I’m tired.. I’m tired and I feel like I’m pretending to be okay..

I’m sick of this state..

Part of the reasons that kept me holding on was “Project Semicolon” which represents fighting depression, that it’s not the end.. that I am the author of my life and I have to keep going, yet Amy,the founder of the project herself, committed suicide couple of weeks ago..

Yesterday, Chester -The lead singer of my favorite band Linkin Park- also committed suicide..

Two people I loved and thought they understood me well and exactly what I’m going through couldn’t keep going and ended their lives..

I know now that books don’t work , science doesn’t work, nothing really works.. I’m numb to feelings like “love” I don’t think I deserve to be loved,  I lack vitality.. I don’t see a point of waking up, I spend most of the day sleeping, I lack passion.. After 4 years of college, I’ve been thinking of quitting “Even though it was my dream college, my dream major”.. I’m nothing but a human wreck..

 

1 Comment
  1. condemned 2 years ago

    Even if it feels like nothing will work, don’t give up. I had to try 5 different antidepressants before I found one that worked without serious side effects.

    It is sad that not everyone wins the fight against depression, as in the case of the project founder or the singer. But I believe that it doesn’t have implications for your life. Instead try to think of how their lives contributed positively to yours rather than worrying about the ramifications of their passing.

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