Hi all….i am really so thankful that this resource is here to shout out and reach out to others in recovery…i posted a blog last night, or rather really early this morning….I am in a terrible state, sad, desperate, hurting..broken hearted over what I've done to my life and the lives of all those around me yet again….I have a 2 mo old daughter & she is a joy and a perfect gift from heaven…but right now, as of Sunday, I have been told to leave what had been my home for the past year or so, with the baby's father and it is solely because of my using and lying…I just can't understand it, why I would use when i have more than every reason in the world not to…my baby's father is the most incredible man I've ever met…he has 6 years in recovery and is so strong in that…he has excruciating chronic pain from a spinal disorder and does not take any narcotics of any kind….and I had over 2 yrs clean until about 4 or 5 months after I got pregnant…I was in constant pain–and I think this is because I am a 41 year old mother…she is my first and was absolutely an answer to many, many hours of fervent prayer…..I have her, I had a wonderful man, a great place to live…what I didn't have was any kind of recovery support system….I let personalities chase me out of the rooms, and then I had to quit school for awhile to have the baby, and then because of pain caused by pregnancy I couldn't work….and then, for some reason, I quit even going to church….and it didn't take long for my disease to just take back over….so, I know what to do….not use, duh….staying busy is something that really helps me stay clean….I also can't let anyone ever again keep me from going to meetings….continue reaching out to any women I can even though its so hard to pick up that phone….my experience for some years now is that most people aren't there to answer my call, and they don't call back, and even if they do, they're like, "yeah, just come to a meeting tonight…don't use…can you get a ride?  No, I can't give you one tonight….." but the bottom line is that I have to reach out obnoxiously if need be and be a thorn in someone's ass if I have to in order to stay clean….I certainly would be a thorn for anyone who I thought could get me drugs….I'll ring that damn phone off the hook for the that…..well, I still have my daughter, somehow, and I have today….I haven't used today and I've prayed…anyway, lots of love, Jules