I just learned recently that my biological father was put into some sort of shelter for the homeless who are in need of mental assistance. He also has major depression along with multiple other mental problems. He also has a chemical imbalance which I inherited from him.

He's always tried to be a best friend rather then a father or any type of authority figure in my life. He patratically shunned my other two sisters, one of which is his own flesh and blood. When I was little I thought that he was the greatest, no one could ever be better. Once I started growing up I realized that the relationship he had when I was little was very unhealthy. Over the years following my realization of the truth I cut off contact with him and then eventually gave him multiple chances to try to be an actual father figure, or at least appologize. All of the times he simply hurt me again and abused my trust. Then when he realized that I was mad at him he'd try to buy me off with gifts, this conitnued until 5th attempt to cut off all connections with him. So far this 5th attempt has finally gotten through to him.

My mother informed me of what happened to him because she has always felt that even though he has not been the greatest father, he's still part of me and my sister. I don't know what I feel right now. I'm angry, I'm scared, I'm sad, and a bunch of other emotions that I don't even know.

I'm angry because I think about everything that he did to me, my mom, and my sisters and I get angry. He put all of us through our own personal Hell and never once did he ever even say sorry about it, never have I ever seen true remorse from him. He manipulated my emotions, he made me feel sorry for things that weren't my fault, he put my mother in debt up to her eyeballs, he played favorites with me and my sister, he turned me against them, he made me think that he was the only one that loved me just to keep me quiet, he stole from us, he abandoned us, he lied, he abused, he destroyed everything in his path.

I'm scared because I see myself in him. He never recieved treatment for his depression or imbalance, I have, but I'm scared that it's not enough. I'm scared one day that will be me in his place, I'll be the one with nothing, with no one, completely alone and unable to see the light, unable to get better.

I'm sad for my little sister. She grew up knowing and still knows that not even her own father likes her. Every birthday that she's had since I can remember, he never showed up, sent her a gift, or even a card or phone call. When my mother remarried we all got lucky, our new dad didn't favor, he gave us all love and happiness. He also punished us like a father should, he grounded us, he lectured us, he had hopes and expectations for us.

I'm sad for my biological father. He's become his downfall. I don't know if he knew that he would eventually be his demise, but he never received the proper help. He dug his own grave, he thought that he could fix everything. He refused meds, refused counciling, refused it all. I feel sorry for him, his life was basically wasted, he never lived up to what he could have been. He could have been so many things, but no one will ever know that now. He thought that he could fix himself, and in the end he destroyed everything that he ever had.

I don't know if I should feel sorry for him, if I should be happy that he's finally getting what he deserves, if I should feel anything at all? I truly don't know.

1 Comment
  1. thistle 11 years ago

     

    Hi, if it is any comfort to you—and i think it should be : i know someone personally who grew up in an unbelievably"disfunctional" family.Actually bizarre! I witnessed where and how she grew up—and if she ended up in some bad way–it would be expected. Yet she grew up to be the exact opposite of her parents—and actually ,you can't find a better human being ! So the saying-the apple never falls far from the tree—should not be written in stone. Find your own way ,ed

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