Well, yesterday was one of those days where my cup is overflowing again, but not in a positive way. What I mean is, that I try to be a positive person, for myself and my kids, but things keeps adding up until I cannot hold no more and the tears come. I can't help it, I can't stop it. I find it embarrassing that I cry around strangers, because I know for me I feel awkward when others are crying around me. But it seems every so often a lot of stress comes my way and its all at once! I cannot even begin to explain how my town is crazy for looking for and place to live and survive within your means. I have to move for the second time in less then 18 months. We have always rented, because we could never afford a house. Now we are in a situation where we have 1 month left on you notice to leave our apartment because the place is up for sale, and we still haven't found an apartment. The rent is crazy and there are limited places in this small town.

So First off with the good news I recieved yesterday. I finally got an interview for a job, after looking for months. And I know you all know the anxiety you get from interviews. I am horrible at them, I can sometimes fake it, where it takes everything I got to keep it together and focus. Of course my face turning red is always unavoidable and sweating. And of course I can feel my heart bursting out of my chest and the sound of my pulse whooshing through my ears. So yeah the interview is tomorrow and my anxiety was already through the roof.

After I got that news I proceeded to go to the provincial housing place that provides housing for people who need it (or so I thought). Well after not having a job since November, and with my husband only working part time while attending college, money was tight. But since its based on last years tax return they told us we made too much! Can you believe that?! So it doesn't matter the situation you may be in right now too bad for you if you actually went out and was employed last year! So I held it together the best I could while in front the the woman who gave me the bad news. But I knew she could see I was about to have a breakdown. My face reddened, I became hot and sweaty. With my heart racing, I told her, as my eyes welled up with tears and I began to swifly wipe away any tear and tried to sneak out "we cannot find a place to live, we are going to be homeless in 1 month" . She was sincere with her apology saying there was nothing they could do. At that point I just had to get out of there before I lost it altogether. I mumbled "Ok", did a 180, and quickly fled though the door to my truck, at that point I was a bawling baby. I wish my husband was there and driving, I was not fit to drive. After I pulled out onto the street and up to the stop sign, I was too unfocused to see a car driving up the other street and I started to pull out and nearly hit it. Another strike against my poor heart. I cried all the way home, I cried when I got home, and every once in a while all evening my eyes would start to well up again because it kept replaying in my head! I hate that, don't you? Anxiety causing you to have a constant replay in your head of a horrible feeling that happened. The crying and raising of my blood pressure (I have hypertension) caused me to have a migraine. Thankfully I have a prescription.

Well, now it looks like if we don't find a place we will have to move in with my mother in law in her 2 bedroom basement apartment. I'm thankful for that, but really would you look forward to living in a small apartment with 5 people to 2 bedrooms and 1 bath? It's all that can be done at the moment.

I woke up today feeling better, trying to be my postive old self again, thinking, if I get this job, things may turn around. And soon my hubby will be done college then off looking for work. Now thats another "adventure" that will soon transpire.

I'm glad I can use this place to write and vent, it is sort of a healing process. It puts things into perspective. It helps me see what I have to do and know that there will be bad days, but spending time with the ones you love, watching something funny followed by sleep will help ease it up, I know my anxiety will always be there, but I need to tell myself I'm OKAY, and its alright, it will pass, I will get through it. It will pass, it will pass, it will pass…………