In a few days it will be my birthday I will be 47.

 I’ve been asking for help in begging for help. Deaf ears.

I hear people often say when somebody take their life…  If I only knew.  If only they said something. What could I have done different.

I’m not suicidal, but I’ve heard people say this before.  In fact last night I found out somebody I knew just took his life too.  In March I celebrated my ex’s birthday . He would be 47 too.  He hung himself 16 years ago.

Anyway whenever people ask for help it falls of deaf ears..  They say these things to make them feel better.

I have asked people for help face-to-face.

They say they will but not now

I wish I could but…

I’ve noticed you could be jumping up-and-down in front of these people you could be drowning right in front of them.  But they’re busy.

I’ve called my local mental health.

They say I make too much money on paper for help.  They think I can afford it and I can’t.   I’ve tried paying out of pocket but I’ve been turned down by these so called caring  therapists….  They want a steady flow of income you know.

I am drowning in my own misery

No help in sight they all turn their backs.

I am single  I do is work.  Wake up work wake up work…. I can’t afford all my bills I’m in debt even know I work all the time I try to get a second job but noone will hire me for the days I’m off.   I also don’t wanna get quite in a schedule because I work all week and I do need some time to do things.

Since I work all the time I don’t have time to meet anybody.  I escaped abusive relationship not physically but mentally.

It was so badd I couldn’t breathe I thought I had asthma… it was anxiety He took me for all my money now I’m struggling really bad.

Here we go again back to my bills…

I can’t get heating assistance I can’t get help with repairs I can’t get medical I can’t get any help because I paper It says I make too much money.

My house has extension cords running all through it because most of my outlets are arching  So I can’t use it.   My toilet’s not flushing.  My kitchen sink its pipes detached.  I have to wash my dishes in my shower… Yet some reason they think I have so much money.  They take over a $100 each week out of tax to pay for everybody that is on the system.

Sadly a lot of people do play disability and ride this system  and I honestly  Need the help that I will not get.  … I’m sure that comment will make pointers on here.   But I’m being truthful.

I’ve not on here to compare medications or prove that I’m sicker than someone else .  I’m not here trying to claim  The need for disability. I just really want help.

I’m a realist and I can read myself pretty well since I am me, you know

I  Have extreme anxiety That will drive anybody who attempts to get close to me nuts to where they will abandon me.

I attract narcissists who will prey on my soul to fill their void…. Leading up to more stress  Kicking in my breathing issues.   I never thought something like that would give you physical issues but it has.

My depression stems from childhood.

I lived a tragic childhood losing  Important points of my family.  Leaving me to be raised by somebody that should have had counseling themselves…. That right there promptly opened me up to the in in path.  Call I am given his feelings to read.  I’m not very well socialized I panic will will start to stammer  And feel stupid.

I have learning difficulties things take me longer than normal

I have emotional and trust issues  Due to my up bringing and my intimate life.

I have ADHD.  I in scattered and unfocused unable to focus.  When I did have money I try to get attention to that,  But was refused treatments I guess because I am self diagnosed with that and in my area drugs is ramped.   I  Just really wanted my life to be back on track and organized  Then cleaning all day and having my house look like it exploded it even worse.  Have the ability to sit and watch a movie or read a book or pay attention to what somebody was saying without thinking 101 different things.  That’s having them hate me because I can’t remember anything or notice I wasn’t paying attention.

I want the ability to stop using food for love.

Then on top of everything I have all my money issues and all I do is work.

I have the ability of seeming  Like I’m happy That’s because nobody talks to me so they don’t know

I wanna be normal  I wanna know what it’s like to wake up and be happy that the Sun is shining I wanna know what it’s like to look forward to something.

I will never know  Because I am unable to get the help that I need all because some money

Whoever said money  Does not buy happiness is a liar because in 2018 it does it gives you security to pay your bills because you security to be able to flush your toilet and fix your pipes to fix your car to fix your heats to give U heating oil to give you what you need.

I don’t have any boyfriends hidden underneath my bed or family to help.

My entire family is dead my son doesn’t contact me hes nowhere to be found

The closest thing I have to a boyfriend is married I barely see I barely hear I barely talk to him when he used to give me lots of attention.

I’m at the point where  I think I’m too damage to carry on a real relationship.

I am extremely lonely ,extremely broke.  And I seem to have extremely that look I mean really badly luck.

It’s very difficult state positive