Hi to everyone:

So I am wondering if what I did last week with not going in for that interview was the right thing to do?  Here is the problem anytime I had been called in for interviews I went. I never did not go. I realize I never made an appointment but it is just the fact that I feel I did not do something that I should have done. Now I realize if I would have gone with my OCD and in the state I am in I would have gotten myself in trouble or said something to take myself out of the running. When I applied I forgot you had to do an aptitude test  I sent my resume to a place called BJ's which is like a Costco. 

  I assumed I would get an interview based on the merits I show which are not that many. I do not have a  work history on my resume since 2005. So I think part of me really did not want to waste my time and the other part said they are just bringing me in knowing full well they don't want me with such a gap. Last year I went on five interviews so maybe I figured with almost getting one job and expecting more money and hours than  I was offered as well as screwing up someones name on another interview it would be something like that or worse. 

 I then was told I had to fill out an application. Now why would I need to do that if they have a resume? My handwriting has gotten progressively worse. In 2004 when I went to an agency to find a job they were marking things that were right, wrong they could not read my handwriting. So I will never go near an agency again. I always had bad handwriting to begin with.

 Getting back to that aptitude test before all these problems occurred  I was very good at spelling and math. Now my spelling is all but gone.  Another reason why they probably wanted to bring me in was so this way they could conduct every check in the world on me.  In the past I had gone to two of them that were closer. The closest I went to twice and the manager played around. The other one I went to and that manager was going to hire me but the drug testing place was too far. Since I don't drive I could not get there it is possible I could not get to this drug testing place as well or I would have had the same thing.  Being that I don't drive I probably saved both our times since I can't work on Sunday's the bus in my area does not run.

Part of me wants to call back and ask if I would have been able to work around those things just to see then if they said yes keep going with well where do you drug test? Oh ok it is close.  Then go onto my handwriting is bad. Just find something to justify what I did.

Has anyone ever had that or feels guilty doing it knowing they did not give it a try? Meaning seeing what happened.  To all that have been reading my blogs I would not consider to incidents of the past week almost killing myself on  Friday, banging that car on Sunday, wanting to knock a guy over while he was running and almost getting hit and going nuts on the guy behavior that is under control. I call that pretty erratic.

 Quite honestly before I came off the Klonopin I was very antsy and erratic this made it worse. I think it is my mood. So how do you do that? I realize I want to go on these interviews but quite honestly I never know what will happen and how I will react. Plus I have been told if you go and it looks like you are not overly enthusiastic about the job they can read it on your face.  There was actually a precedent. I had my phone off last year and someone called for a car dealership position I called him maybe an hour later he never called me back. I never really pursued it meaning OCDing on it.

 The point is I want to work since it would be something everyone else does but at the same point I do not know what will happen in the next minute.

 Any comments are greatly appreciated.

 Marc