It's been so long since I have written a blog on here. I have just been journaling a lot lately. I miss the support from all of you so here I am!
I've reached a new stage with my fight against anxiety and I'm not sure if it is positive or negative. I have noticed that lately my anxiety is tinged with sadness, depression, and resignation. In the past when I've been anxious, it basically caused me to shut down on other thoughts and emotions and things that I was doing and focus entirely on WHY I was feeling like I was and HOW I came to be like this and WHAT I needed to do in order to stop it. As you can imagine, it was a really consuming process. I devoted so much time and brain power to anxiety.
For the past few weeks, I think I have given up devoting the time and brain power to it. Now I just "live with it." Even thought anxiety diminishes my quality of life, the enjoyment I get out of things, sometimes stops me from doing what I have to do and often from doing what I want to do, it is easier to just accept it and accept a poorer quality of life than it is to fight.
I have, like many OCD sufferers, "control issues." On the scale of control-no control, I always need to be on the last electron on the control side. When I can't be, it feels like I am on the last electron of the out of control side, like a total loss of freedom.
I've discussed with my psych how I need to learn to be comfortable in places on that scale beside the complete control side. I need to learn to accept uncertainty, let other people make decisions, give up control in order to be there for people in my life.
So, I guess this is what i am doing with anxiety. I'm giving up trying to control it and accepting that there are things outside of myself that can influence my life and feelings. BUT, while it is easier, it feels like laziness, like a weakness. Like accepting less than perfection. This is what causes the sadness, the fact that I am realizing that I cannot control this and never could. I am accepting a deep, personal flaw within myself.
There you have it: the schizm that I have been living in for the past few weeks. I do not know how this is going to work out in the long run, what effect it will have on my future, but I do know that I have people who will support me and accept me- flaws included- and as long as I have that, it is enough. I hope.