My mom became pregnant with me, my dad left.

Dad met me when I was 5 years old and called me a piece of shit

I was in kindergarten at the time, along with my dad calling me a piece of shit I was also being bullied not just by classmates but also teachers. Yes, teachers or aids I think they were called in kindergarten actually bullied me. They told me I was going to be sent away, they blamed me when things broke, my brother’s grandma (different dads) even bullied me and took away my toys to give to my brother.

I turned 8 years old. I was also diagnosed with attention deficit dissorder at this age. The kids picked on me even more because I was in Speech class and Special Ed. classes. I didn’t learn as fast as other’s in my grade. I had to take medicine to help me focus. Kids found out my dad wasn’t around and teased me about that. I finally had to lie and say my dad died. They stopped teasing me about my dad but still teased me about other things.

That 8 year old girl turned into a very depressed 15 year old girl. I was 160lbs. The kids called me fat and told me the world would be better without me. I started eating healthier and exercising and it only made my classmates laugh at me even more. They threw things at me, threatened to rape me, threatened to beat the shit out of me, one boy actually did shove me into a locker, boyfriend’s sexually harassed me, I was diagnosed with paranoia and depression and was given a big bottle of pills that only made things 100x worse. I formed an eating disorder and starved myself for 2 years.

I got my first boyfriend when I was 16, he held a knife to my throat. We broke up.

I met my next boyfriend at 18. We were together 6 years. He mentally and sexually abused me and lied to me for all of those 6 years and allowed his family to belittle me. I put up with it. I let it happen.

Now at 25 years old…

-I have GAD with panic attack

-I still look at my stomach in the mirror and check my weight constantly even though I am 115lbs and continue losing weight. (don’t know if this makes me happy or worried)

-I think everything is about me, if someone is talking I know it’s about me and they’re gossiping and saying bad things about me.

-I have only 1 friend. I’m not going to make more friends because nobody ever stays.

-I haven’t had a boyfriend in a year. I’m okay with that. I’m too much to handle. They’d leave anyway

-I have no self confidence and I second guess myself

-I’m afraid of people

-Reading is my escape. Music is my therapy

-I have a job

-I’m loyal

-I survived

-I am worthy. I am flawed, broken, damaged, and fucked up and I have walked through hell and back, been thrown down, stomped on, tossed around, and I’m still here. I’m still breathing. I survived. I am a warrior. My time of suffering is over and recovery is just around the corner. I am not ashamed of who I am or of my past. It is who I am. Yes it brought on anxiety, it brought on depression, it brought on paranoia but it also made me a very compassionate, strong, loyal woman. My pain made me a warrior. My past may still haunt me but, I wear the pain like battle scars. So should you.

I have a voice in my head telling me I’m never going to make it. It tells me I am not good enough, it tells me I’ll never amount to anything, my boss is going to fire me, my family hates me, and my friend is going to leave. I know this is a lie. The voice in my head that is my anxiety, my demon, it is a liar. I cannot listen to it though I do but, I know it’s wrong. It’s wrong when it tells me I’m worthless. I’m not worthless, I’m worthy. The voice in your head is wrong too. You are worthy, you are beautiful, you are strong. We are all beautiful, strong,worthy, we are all warriors.