Today I got done with my shift, I work graveyard, and was excited for a whole weekend of drawing and philosophy.  After a while I started to get depressed because my brother, and his gf, live upstairs on the couches of my parents house.  The reason I got depressed is because jasmine asked if I was going out this weekend….growing up whenever anyone asks me that I feel like a worthless loser because I barely have any friends and the one I hung out with most I just broke up with.  The depression started there and then I decided to go to Ames to get some art supplies I had been needing.  When I brought my stuff up to the register I noticed that the girl was cute.  Whenever this happens I get awkward and look at stuff that I would normally not give a shit about, this time it was sour candy, to not have her notice that I was anxious.  Just feeling the social anxiety got me down because this happens with pretty much everyone I don't know well.  It reminded me that I've only had one or two friends my entire life.  To tell you the truth I'm fine with that.  I think being somewhat of a loner allows a lot of reflection time on things that fascinate me.  I don't know why I let the world get me down.  I remember in high school smoking pot, when I didn't even like it, just to belong to a group of friends that didn't even care about me in the first place.  After a while I let the depression go but it is still bothering me a little bit.  I wish I could be content with just going after my lust to be a good artist.  I'm a doer not a talker.  I should start embracing that. 


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