I’m not sure what to do ..I am on permanent disability for depression and stress ….  I wake each day to the usual routine .. bathroom .. take my dogs out to the backyard…come back in .. make coffee …log onto the computer … sit here for endless hours … wander from room to room … turn on a tv in bedroom I lay down and cover up .. eventually falling asleep again … in the living room .. I lay down cover up and eventually fall asleep again … if I feel hungry .. I normally grab something that does not need to be prepared that just seems like too much effort for me .. I grab cheesies .. or chips ,, or pie…if im really UP that day I may even make a sandwich WOW … but I dont care … I just do not care……I tell people that I have trust issues and I do .. I believe that my biggest trust issue if with myself .. I dont trust me to make the right decissions about anything … I get angry at everything .. I can go from calm to rage in less than 10 seconds … I have cut myself off from anyone and everyon who had been in my life … they just annoy the hell outta me because I cant relate to how they function … and they cant relate to how I do not function … so now Im here alone .. no one calls .. no one stops by .. my phsyacrist left his practice about a year ago .. and my family doctor says there is no one to send me to … theres a shortage of doctors here ( Oshawa Ontario Canada )  … so .. I am letting life just pass on by .. every single day is exactly the same as the one before it and will be the same as the one following it .. I think many times obout just taking myelf out of this life .. correction .. existance  … and stop when i remember my 14 yr relationship with the addict alcoholic abuser  who eventually took his own life … and how that hurt the peoole left behind , and I stop at that thought .. but the thoughts come more frequently and I do just with I was not here anymore .. theres nothing here for me  I feel I have always fallen in bewteen the cracks of society and life …just missing out on anything positive …. I dont know what to do … I DO get offers from men on the internet to meet for lunch or for dinner or a movie .. and of course for sex … I entertain the thought at times of going and trying to enjoy the time out .. but I always decline their invitations … I have no extra money to do anything on my own even IF I could make myself get out and do something …… …

Someone anyone… PLEASE … what the hell is wrong with me ??!!!

1 Comment
  1. robbo66 13 years ago

    Wow,I read the blog and I swear I couldve written it! Im am in exactly the same place you are. Im on permanent dissability and we share the same routine day in day out. I believe we are stuck in a bad rut and cant or wont change,im not sure which though?  Its such a boring lonely existence,so then why do we not change it? I ask myself this so often. Is it fear? Or do we actually feel safer in the rut we are in.  Iknow Ive got to change,as do you hun to have any sort of life, but WE are the only ones that can do that,at the moment im just lost and stuck.  Sorry hun I cant be of much help,just want you to know there are others out here that are going through the same crap,so dont feel alone.

                                              Luv Robyn

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