The people who once feared me have nothing further to do with me. I'm ridiculously vulnerable right now and petty. Instead of moving on I allowed my thoughts to venture into a no man's land of how to get her back or at least make her feel terrible and regret ever having been involved with me. I had been absolutely fine but nowit's nearing the day I had planned to try to smooth things over, which is now a completely redundant activity. So, I should have just stopped thinking about it and abandoned all of my plans but instead I'm second-guessing myself, knowing I'll probably do it anyway, wondering how far I should go and what tone to take while knowing nothing will ever fix it. This is what distracted my thoughts last night until nearly five in the morning so here I am missing another day of work for this ungrateful person who will never care one bit. It's not her fault, either, I can't meet one person for a single meaningful interaction—this is how everyone reacts to my presence, after amoment of clarity, they can see me for the desperate shambling ruin of a soul damned to the eternally haunt his owninner prison that I am.I should take my chances and then remove myself from this situation the only way I know how.
My plan with triple redundancy and is strikingly visual,this is just how self-absorbed my mind is, it might even go viral. Otherwise if that still fails I guess I will just quietly slip into obscurity with my obscure emotions and dreadful thoughts no one cares about until starving. Either way my constant questioning will never again trouble anyone who doesn't specifically come looking for it.
The world in which I live exists in constant fear of every single original thing I have to say. I'm startingto feel as if I can never create anything without deconstructing thecarefully constructed creations of others without ever questioning their purpose for being there.It seems best that I just never show up again as that person I have become with all of the darkness in his heart who exists solely for someone who would rather I didn't. My friend calls me an anchor because "I hold shit down" which I take to mean I hold people back and drag them down while never expressing my true emotions. So I guess I will sink to the bottom and try to get stuck on some immovable wreckage. Once I've served my function the people above me won't be able to get loose without cutting me off. I will give them no choice but toleave me there to rot in the depths, forgotten, existing only through absence, a useless looseness at the end of my rope weighing down only myself now and supporting only the smallest creatures on Earth