Someone asked about Charlie, and how I feel about him, after reading one of my recent blogs. I am as confused as ever, but I will tell you what I do know.
I still love him. I probably always will. Our problems have never been about a lack of love. Our problems have always revolved around the dysfunction that we lived in for so long – the chaos of heroin addiction, and untreated psych problems. Sometimes, there’s just too much wreckage, even after the storm. Is that where we’re at? I honestly don’t know. We don’t talk about it, and any conversation about the state of the union feels a long way off.
I’ve been by his side for a quarter of my life, now. We’ve always been great friends, and caring companions, but… mistakes were made (note the passive voice, haha). We both [email protected] up. He may think I [email protected] up more, and in uglier ways, and that may be true, but he did his share of breaking my heart along the way, as well. Either way, the damage is done, and I don’t know where that leaves us. As I have mentioned, many times, he has said NOTHING about any of this, since the day it all went down (well, he made one sh*tty comment a week later, and then, that was it – no more discussion, no comments, NOTHING). He doesn’t like conflict, and clearly doesn’t want to have the conversation. Maybe, he doesn’t know what he wants, or maybe it’s just too hard for him too talk about. I don’t know. It’s been an ugly, messy situation. I know I let him down, but he’s let me down in some epic ways over the years, too. At first, all I wanted was his forgiveness, and for him to take me in his arms. Then, I started having to numb myself to the pain of not knowing what would happen. Of not knowing if I was going to lose my husband, or not… we made this agreement right after it all hit the fan that we’d live together for a whlie, to get all our affairs in order, and divided. The only thing on that to-do list that we’ve actually conquered is kicking smack (an important step in any direction), and he has never seemed in a hurry about any of it. It’s also worth noting that the other things on the list are similarly tasks we would need to complete anyway, just to get our sh*t together.
But, what now?
I feel certain that he still loves me (even if he is too stubborn to say it, right now). But, I don’t know what he wants (or if he even knows), and I am not even going to speculate about the future until I know a lot more. Because the last thing he actually said (no matter how warm he might seem, at times) about the whole thing, was that we were done (zero wiggle room) – that he no longer felt any attraction for me. That wasn’t all. He said some things that cut deep, but I deserved worse. But, I still think he was wrong, in his handling of it. He knew I wasn’t right. He knew far better than I did. And, he just let me be that way, watching me get worse, deteriorating physically, and mentally, and knowing I was blind to all my mental dysfunction (total denial). He could’ve helped me, and I never would’ve ended up doing these [email protected] up things. I am not blaming him – just saying that it’s complicated, and that every misstep feeds another. In a situation this messy and complex, you can’t weigh any action out of it’s messed up context, because it’s a whole other world. Junkies don’t live like other people. I wasn’t normal, and neither was he, and our marriage was equally screwy – you can’t expect the same things that the normals expect when you’re living with madness as a roommate, in your own private opium den.
But, getting me medicated for bipolar would’ve involved kicking H (and acknowledging that, if he didn’t, he was knowingly helping me screw myself over). I am not trying to measure blame against blame – there’s plenty for everyoone, and I know the things I’ve done. In the end, we all do. But, I won’t chase after him.
I don’t do that.
All I know how to do right now is to strive to become the best version of myself that I can be, and hope that everything becomes clearer, the further I wade through this mess. Maybe, that’s naive. Whatever…
At least I’ll be good for someone, when I’ve gotten better, and stronger.
That’s where most of my energy goes, right now – getting myself right emotionally and physically. I am good to Charlie (I do work hard at that, to be honest, I just try not to fixate on where it’s all headed), but the focus has to stay on me, if I am ever gonna be good for anyone.
Enough cathartic BS… I don’t even know what I’m talking about half the time.
For now, nothing of great consequence needs to be sorted out or decided. I just need to hang in, try to take care of myself, and keep trying to do the next right thing. Whatever the f@ck that is…