I've noticed this feeling coming up for me in the past, and I'm giving it a little more thought and articulation. One of the ways it takes form in my mind, the idea of not wanting to be responsible for myself, is wanting to be in the hospital. I guess it's a little more vivid for me because I recently had to be hospitalized for 5 days because of a flare up of my Crohn's disease, and as much as I like being at home, there was something of a relief of having someone else keeping track of my medications, having my meals taken care of, and also not having to make decisions for myself of whether or not I should be eating (I tend to eat when I'm stressed or depressed).
This tends to come up when I'm feeling overwhelmed, and that makes sense. I feel like I have too much to deal with, between my own stuff, and trying to give support to my unemployed and disabled uncle. I forgot to take my glaucoma eye drops last night. I don't like my job anymore, and I can't keep up with it physically. The prednisone I'm on because of my Crohn's flare makes me moody. I'm still recovering my energy and strength, not back to "normal' (my normal anymore being less than that of the average person in the first place).
So things feel like a lot to cope with. Possibly too much. I don't want to deal with it, and I don't even want to be responsible for myself. There's probably some other stuff tied in from feeling un-cared-for at some point in growing up, too, since I think it's pretty clear that part of this resembles having someone take care of me.
In general, I want to escape, many different ways. Whether daydreams and fantasies, or looking to get high (I'm watching to make sure I don't rely on that–it has its uses, but it's not a solution).
My suggestion is talk to your family and friends and tell them how you feel maybe you all can work it out that you all take turns because sounds like to me you most definitely need help and need sometime for your self next to prayer communication is the best praying it all works out for you 😊
Thank you for the replies.
I don't feel like I have a whole lot of people resources to turn to. A lot of my family lives far away, and my uncle is an adopted family member (my blood family is a mess) with few people he can turn to himself. I also just have trouble asking people for help a lot of times. Information is one thing…but it took me being sick the last time we moved for me to start calling on friends to pitch in. I do keep my boyfriend aware of my mood and my struggles, I just worry about being a drain on him.
A big part difficulty right now is my job. It's too much for me to handle anymore. I'm trying to make it through the next two months, at which point I feel like it will be a clean break. Today I have my doubts about doing it, but tomorrow it might not feel so unlikely. I used to like what I do (I'm a music teacher) but between my health and changes on the job…I just brings me down.
Its probably worth noting that so far I haven't been hospitalized for anything psychiatric, just physical stuff (specifically Crohns disease twice). I've had friends who have been in for psych tho, and while they've had mixed experiences, that is something id rather avoid. From the sound of it I would be limited to a piece of paper and a felt tip pen to entertain myself. That would suffice for a day or two, but after that I would figuratively lose my mind. If I could have books id do ok. But being in for my Crohns, I have my phone, my laptop, visitors come pretty much whenever. Sure, I have to wear a hospital gown, but I don't have any responsibilities. And if I'm in pain, I tell someone and they take care of it.
I've had a funny relationship with control, though. While I've never been a control freak (it's tempered by being fairly go with the flow), I've had a tendency to like being in control of things, being prepared for things (that's how I go with the flow)…but along side that, wanting to give that up. It takes a lot of thought and energy. And these days I have less energy and more things to keep track of.
i hope you are feeling better and coping…