My sisters are visiting today. This will be the first time that I've seen them since my grandma died and also since I found out that my little sister is pregnant. I don't really know how I'll react when I see them. I'd like to think that I'll be happy and over joyed but something in me tells me that I'm most likely not going to feel that way. Growing up I was the outcast in the family and I was constantly being compared to my sisters and cousins, and I was constantly treated as though I was mentally sick and as a result everything I said was a lie or made up. So even if I was telling the truth it was still seen that I was lieing. It always seemed that no matter what my sisters did they were never punished as hard as I was. I'll admit that all through my late childhood and all of my teen years I was very jealous of them because while they were allowed to socialize outside of school or go on vacations with friends and family memebers, I was stuck at home. I wasn't allowed to see friends after school unless they came over to the house while my mom was there, and even then we had to stay within my mom's view, and they could only stay for dinner. I was only allowed to go over to friends' houses a handful of times throughout my childhood and teen years.

Even now I still carry some resentment towards my mom for not letting me have a life and towards my sisters for not eventrying to makeit any easier on me. But growing up I was constantly told that I needed to be watched constantly or else I wouldn't amount to anything, while my sisters were allowed to do almost anything because they were "going places in life". Now my older sister is turning 27 this year and has been seeing the same guy since she was 18, but it's an internet relationship and they only see each other a few times a year in person and there aren't any signs of them taking their relationship further, but she refuses to move on. Her weight has become a health problem and she eats healthy like no tomorrow but she eats it in large portions and doesn't excerise but still wonders why she gains weight and why her weight has become a health problem. She goes to her job then comes home and doesn't socialize beyond work and family. And my little sister that was always the smart one that was always popular is pregnant and she just barely turned 18 and graduated last year from high school and still lives at home and our parents still pay for literally everything for her (phone, gas, clothes, college, food, etc…). She was going to college to get a bussiness degree and then found out that she was pregnant and has decided to keep it because "abortion is murder" even though she and her boyfriend ofabout 8 monthshave no way of supporting the baby, so they are depending on their parents to take care of the baby. They don't even understand what they are getting themselves into. They are kind of like those teen parnts on those stupid shows, they whine and complain about how they can't do anything since the baby was born and how horrible their lives are now that they're parents but they still insist on going out and having a normal teen life while their parents take care of the kid.

I know it sounds a bit mean of me, but I honestly feela bit like I can gloat about the whole thing. Our entire lives we were always told that my sisters were going places and how I was a constant disappointment and now my older sister hasn't done anything with her life and my younger sister isn't going to go anywhere with her life and if she does then it won't be anything compared to how it could have been. And then there's me…I've been living with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half and we both have jobs and I haven't been on my meds for almost 2 years and haven't seen a therapist in even longer and I don't have any kids and my boyfriend and I have a car and our home life is getting much better.

I feel a bit bad that I still feel bad towards them. I feel really bad that deep down inside I'm actually happy that they've fallen. Neither of them even live in the real world and yet they've fallen. They have shown everyone that they aren't what they were always made out to be and that they have flaws like everyone else. And I feel good about myself because I've proven that I can live life on my own without my family's help and that I'm not the failure and disappointment that they all thought I was. Even though my older sister has a house, my grandfather bought it for my grandma and when she died it was decided that my older sister have it since she was already living there. My younger sister doesn't even know how to pay a bill, let alone how to live on her own or even spend or save money properly.

But today I'm going to spend it with my sisters once they get here. We are probably just going to go to the mall or movies or something.

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 10 years ago

    Life might be a little bit more pleasant, if you could release the energy you have put into resentment and gloating. These are your emotions and you have a right to them. However these toxic emotions are not being experienced by anyone but you. So, I conclude they affect no one but you.

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