I have difficulties meeting people, in fact I just don't. Earlier this year I decided I wanted to find a partner so I went on an online dating site, and to my surprise the first man I spoke to suffers the same mental llnesses as me. We had an extreme magnitism that we could not deny. We spent days on Skype before we decided to meet in person.
I have never felt more comfortable with a person than I do with him, but here is the problem:
I got scared, my anxiety sky rocketed and I panicked so I ran, I broke his heart and my own. After months of deleting messages I couldn't bring myself to send I finally did it! I fought my anxiety and finally told him that I was sorry for hurting him. I wasn't expecting a reply, especially not a positive one. He said he would be willing to give it another try, suddenly I began to feel more whole than I had in a long time.
Now I can't stop thinking about him, of him holding me in his arms. I can't even sleep. He said he would be willing to Skype with me, but he seems hesitant, we barely speak since the day we reconnected. I am freaking out, my anxiety is very high. He suggested me moving to the town he lives in and the truth is I have already made up my mind, if we do get back together I am going. But again he seems hesitant, I suppose he is afraid that I will hurt him again but every day that I don't know what is going to happen the higher my anxiety gets, the more I struggle with a simple message. I am afraid to talk to him.
My anxiety and paranoia fuel eachother taking me to whole new heights. I feel like I am suffocating, I cant sleep, I just dont know what to do.
My mother likes to tell me "Two crazies don't make a good relationship." she is so judgemental of people with mental illness, so judgemental of me.
I feel myself withdrawing, afraid to face this world more and more each day. Where is my step forward? Right now I feel like I am just walking backwards.
I don't know what to do…