November 20th, 8:10 pm
It’s been hell. Ever since Friday everything has been going down hill. My diet has died. My happiness seems to have gone. And my will to do anything is just…
I think I’m going through once again, another depressive episode.
It scares me.
I don’t know if I’m making myself feel this way, or if my emotions are really this way and I’m truly depressed and I need help.
I don’t know any more and I’m too scared to do anything, and it’s not like my family would help me anyway.
I’ve been blowing up at my friends, holding grudges, and getting so irritable.
I am so scared for myself, for future relationships with friends, and everyone around me. I know I won’t lash out physically, but quite honestly, I’d almost rather the physical abuse than the mental shit I do.
I don’t know how, and I hate this about myself, but I find everyone’s weaknesses.
I hit people in the spot it would hurt the most, and it scares me. I don’t want to hurt people.
But I do. And I am so sorry for hurting people with my words.
For making them doubt their every move, no matter how confident.
I am just as bitchy as the next whore that everyone hates.
And maybe that’s why all my friends leave me.
Or maybe it’s because they all secretly pity me, and the only reason they are friends with me is because of pity.
I have no idea what the truth is. I don’t know if it’s self pity or real depression. I don’t know if it’s doubt in my head or the truth. I don’t know and I want to know.
I don’t want to break and come unglued in a way that makes me unable to go back from.
I am so scared and I can’t reach out.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
But I can’t even cry.
It’s like all emotion has left me.
~queen of nowhere