no i cant do this anymore i cant keep going no i cant figure out who the hell i am or who the hell im going to be no i dont know the answers for ANYTHING just insight its not answers no my opinion doesnt matter unless you want it to no i cant stand who i am right now no im not ok no my body cant fight anymore yes i will die if i cant breathe one more time no i dont want to lose people i care about again no i cant stop it

how many times a day does an overwhelming pattern of thought cross your mind. how many times a week do you wish it wasnt you? if it wasnt me who got in the crash if i hadnt been there for my best friend through all his worst times even if i got hurt in the end if my dad hadnt almost killed my mother with the abuse if my grandparents didnt love their children if it was someone else here in this very point in time. would they be able to handle it? how many more times do i have to tell someone "it will be ok, i know you can do anything" before i stop saying i cant cant cant

if my dad hadnt hurt my mom she wouldnt be as strong as she is today, i wouldnt have learned how to be strong from her, i wouldnt have been able to support my best friend through everything he went through including the 4 times he died on the operating table, i wouldnt have had to think fast how to help my best friend get through the worst year of his life, i wouldnt have gotten hurt when he shut me out for someone else, i wouldnt have been depressed enough to have to force myself to atempt to eat and go to school, i wouldnt have been driving slow and reluctantly enough to avoid hitting that car, i wouldnt have been able to think fast enough how to avoid hitting the telephone poles as i was pushed over the curb, i wouldnt have thought that at that very moment, thank you mom for being so strong for me because i really would be dead right now

1 Comment
  1. wallanec 13 years ago

    Hi JJ,

    I'm sorry your going through so much, I wish there were some way of taking your pain away and making you all better.  I fight wih my thoughts and feelings all the time and it's very hard.  I try to remember I have the power to change the way i feel no matter how hard it might be.  No matter how hard we can handle the things that come into our lives, but we must not live in the past, we can only start from here and move forward.  It can be very hard sometimes to remember that and to actually put that into place, but once you start it makes it that much more better. 

    I know we don't talk, but if you ever need someone to talk to I'm a really good listener.  I hope you start feeling better and don't worry about the small stuff it will all work out.

    Hugs, Eric

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