I've been dealing with alot of anxiety this week.  I feel out of control and drowning.  My chest is so tight that it almost hurts to breathe and I can't even begin to explain the way my heart is pounding.  I know alot of it has to do with this job; its sucking the life out of me.  Not to mention I only have 3 people that I can vent to and give me moral support when things are bad…1 left yesterday another gave her 2 wks notice today.  The other has been getting calls about new jobs and is looking at them seriously.  Pretty soon I will have no moral support and I can feel the panic of that alone setting in.  I feel like I have no support at home, my bf doesn't totally get the situation and thinks its best to tough it out and learn to let things 'roll off my back'.  Easier said then done and even tougher for someone w/ anxiety (IMO).  I feel like my mind can't slow down and I've not been sleeping well and so that equates to MORE anxiety.  My depression has been really bad as well and when the 2 hit at once I feel like slitting my wrists and draining the pain.  I know that it wont solve anything and I know that's probably a very highly emotional, irrational thing to be drawn to but thats how i FEEL.  My stomach has been so upset that last night I swore I thought I was either going to throw up or start my period.  Of course neither came and so I got no resolution.  Here I sit…Same as i was yesterday, sick and anxious and depressed and wanting to crawl under some rock and cry myself to sleep.  Wow this is a very whiney and self absorbed blog…But at this rate I don't even care. I dont even think i'm thinking thru all i'm writing out…I just dont know what to say or who to say it to. My bf i'm pretty sure is sick of listening to it.  He tries but at the end of the day doesn't understand this…this monster that lives inside and destroys me.  It doesnt help that my work situation is a living nightmare and that everyone here is living in some alternate universe.  Work is all they have and so they have to go around whispering and causing drama where ever they are.  I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of being treated like a second class citizen because i'm not 50 years old, i'm not grumpy and I'm a 'receptionist'.  F'ck that I do way more then I ever was told i would be doing and I get paid jack for doing it all. 

Blah!

 

venting over.

1 Comment
  1. Wiswell 13 years ago

    Hey Jade, I am really sorry to hear about all the difficulties you're having. I've been there, and it sux big time! And you aren't "whining or moaning", you're just venting, which is good for you, and the people who really care don't mind at all. This damn anxiety/depression is such a viscious circle. I hope things will work out for you, perhaps it's time that you also look for another job? I know having anxiety makes changes even more difficult, but you deserve better than this! I hope you realize that! As far as Bryan goes, did you read the forum letter I wrote a couple months ago, "A Letter to Non-Anxiety People"? If you didn't, please print it and let him read it, I hope it will give him a little better idea of the hell you go through every day. If you can't find the letter, let me know, and I'll repost it for you. Please don't give up without a fight, Jade. You are a wonderful person, and deserve the best life has to offer. Please take care!   8) Leslie

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