i hate anxiety…i hate having low self-esteem and no confidence in myself. i feel embarrassed to be this way. i shouldn't be this way. it's not who i am. i wish my fiance never knew about any of this. why couldn't i have gotten my life together before we met? i wish to change all these things but as badly as i wish it won't go away. the past cannot be erased. so why can't i just kick it's butt and be done with it? why am i still struggling to change and i'm still embarrassed to be this way i am despite how far i've come. i just feel like "why did this happen to ME?" i know God has a purpose for everything he puts us through…but i just can't understand it sometimes…or a lot of the time. maybe years later i'll look back and see the big picture. hopefully years from now i will be better than i am right now and this anxiety part of my life won't even matter one bit. it's just hard to imagine life without being the way i am and living with this. after dealing with things practically your entire life it's a wonderful dream to imagine what life would be like without those things to deal with. i feel like i've let myself become so weak, letting myself be beaten down by past hurts and disappointments. i just see people around me living life the way i want to live my life and it's just depressing. i know i should be so thankful because my life could be so much worse. i am very thankful, but everyone wishes for something more sometimes. sometimes i just feel soo angry at myself for letting this junk control me. so what if i'm anxious about getting a job? just do it!!!!!!!!! it's not the end of the world. but nooo i'm still jobless. i'm still a very long ways off from finishing college. i still have no other socialization outside of my fiance and my family. i'm still an emotional wreck who can't be the strong person i know is in there somewhere. Gahhh i'm so sick of this i feel like it's stupid to continue this way. i feel like forgetting about the way i am and pretending i never had this and somehow forcing myself once and for all to do everything i've ever wanted to do. can it really be so simple…?

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