Its 4:47 am and I can not sleep again. This is my first blog ever. I cant find anyone to talk to so I figured I'd just write it all down. Right now my life is in the crapper. I am a 45 years old single lesbian, who is basiclyhomeless, jobless and I have depression, anxiety and agoriaphobia. I have been on meds for years. I have been in the hospital many times for this and nothing ever seems to work. I think about ending my life all the time! I dont see that threre is ever going to be a time where things just get better and stay that way! I have the worse luck ever! I just dont know what to do. When I do have a chance to talk to someone, I always hear the same ole thing….its gonna be ok. Well, damn it, ITS NOT OK! I have tried nemerious times to find someone to talk to online. Most depression site never have anyone on, or my computer doesnt work..ect! I am staying at my brothers right at the moment and its not the best living conditions! Actually, it sux! I come from a very disfuntional family, I m sure thats no suprise. My father was a drinker and my mother was very abusive. R.I.P Mom and Dad! I loved my parents, but it was hard living with them. We moved all the time. I wouldnt be affrid to bet that form the time I was two years old, until now, Ive lived in more then 1,000 places! I was always depressed, anxious and fearful! It was about 13 when I realized that I was Gay. That didnt help matters. My life only got worse! I quit school at 16 and stayed home crying all the time and affraid to leave the house. I was thought to be lazy and told so everyday almost! You would think that some where alone the line, someone would have gotten help for me. NOPE! I struggled along alone in the dark! Sometimes, Id pull myself up and get a job, but jobs never lasted long and I was right back in bed weeping and sick and not knowing why. Its still pretty much the same now at 45 years old. I still feel like that little kid all alone and no one gives a damn! What do I do?