Charlie’s laying on the bed, a few feet away. I want to touch him, but I can’t. If I lay down beside him, he’ll probably hold me, but that’s as far as it’ll go. And… that’s really more than I would’ve expected, under the circumstances. Actually… I don’t know what I expected. I didn’t think through what I was doing enough to expect anything. If I had been able to stop, and see where it was all going, I would’ve backed away from Quinn. I’d still have my best friend, and I never would’ve let myself hurt Charlie the way I did. It still seems like a dream when I think about it. My mind just moves so fast, sometimes… it’s like, my insanity is three moves ahead of my ability to out-think it. It was the most selfish situation. I had Charlie, as my companion, and I could enjoy him, and not get too frustrated with him for not wanting me, because someone else was willing to make me feel wanted. And, Quinn was very enthusiastic about his affection, when we’d hook up. That enthusiasm was the hottest thing about it, for me.
I got lost in something that seemed like a fantasy. I was so in love with feeling wanted, and needed, again. But, I knew I needed to get out. I just didn’t do it fast enough.
Tomorrow’s Quinn’s birthday. I miss him, but we remain out of contact. Reaching out to him, right now, would tank any chance I’ve got with Charlie (if I even have a chance).
Quinn’s in a band with some other friends of mine, and a couple weeks ago, I went to one of their shows. I didn’t hang out with the band at all. I didnt even listen to the whole show, but I got home after Charlie, and he knew where I’d been before I could tell him. I tried to tell him I hadn’t even talked to Quinn (which was true), but he was cold, and flippant about the whole thing. He said that Quinn and I should have whatever kind of relationship that we want. I told him not to say that. He said, "okay." A few minutes later, he said he just meant that he doesn’t spite me that. I told him it wasn’t about spite. That was the harshest thing, and the only we’re-over-themed thing, he’d said to me since the day it all went wrong. It hurt like hell. The next day, I wrote him a letter telling him I didn’t want a relationship with Quinn. I told him that the only relationship I wanted back was our marriage. He never responded, but he hasn’t said anything cold or hurtful since then.
Quinn hasn’t been trying to get in touch with me, and he lives in another city, so it’s not like I have to avoid him, but he’s my best friend, and we’ve been tight for seven years. Not talking to him… not knowing if we’ll ever be okay, again, as friends… it hurts like hell. Every hour of every day… it’s like a piece of my happiness… a piece of me… has been cut away… and, I don’t know how to stop wanting it back. He was only my lover for two months. We were friends for seven years.
Charlie and I have been together for seven years. Married for five… and, we love each other so much. If he could tell me that there might be a chance for us, if I give Quinn up, maybe, I wouldn’t feel so lost. But, since he hasn’t backed off of his position that it’s over (in spite of what I feel from him), I still feel like I’m losing both of them. And, I think, if he’s definitely done with me, why should I give up my best friend? But, I can’t believe that he’s sure he’s done with me. He’s too kind to hold on to me, like this, if he knows he doesn’t want me, anymore. He’s staying so close… he can’t be sure he wants to leave me.
Over the weekend, we wanted to go to a Mapplethorpe exhibit. Charlie had to work, and couldn’t go. I was gonna go with friends, but I wound up staying in (shocking!). So, I spent an hour and a half or so, yesterday, doing Google image searches, finding full size images, cutting, pasting, and making a little Mapplethorpe exhibit for Charlie to look at on the computer. It was nice. He got home. We relaxed, and got a little toasted, while we scrolled through a really bad ass collection of photographs. It was a good time. I could tell he appreciated it. I even got most of the ones that had been in the exhibit. It felt good to do something that made him happy. There’s so much going wrong in our lives. So much struggle… and, so little I can fix. Whatever I can do to make him happy, makes me a little happier, too. At least for that moment…