I honestly don’t know what I feel like…its like when i get into this mood theres a giant weight on my chest barely letting me breathe and all the happy thoughts I could have are locked away in a drawer in my mind and I’ve lost the key…like there are tears in my eyes that need to come out..they are screaming for me to cry for no reason but ive supressed them so much in public that when i can cry they scream and scream to run out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks but they wont theres some kind of wall forcing them to stay in me and it gives me a headache. Then by the time im to the headache wall im laying down watching a movie or doing anything to make the headache go away and theres like this blanket of black thats soo heavy and it just keeps trying to cover my entire brain so I cant think anymore. I HATE IT! and it just hapens out of the blue i could be extremely happy and all of a sudden I want to cry. its like just suddenly everything I thought I was over every wound had been sealed with a scar every tear had been cried comes back full force like it just happened memorys of my dad actually being like my dad b4 i left the assholes house with his bitch of a gf and those memorys bring back my dads mom grandma rosemary wh died 9 yrs. ago then those remind me of dylan my dads nephew who died in a car accident and it reminds me of his body at the funeral aand how it didnt look right at all and that remins me of my pawpaw(moms dad) who passed and how bad and cold his body looked and how wrong it was. and it just brings everything back to me thats everhappened! and i get overwhelemed so easily with learning how to drive and money being tight at my house and how i have so much responsibility. its horrible! i went through a week period where i could barely sleep before that the only way for me to fall asleep was laying on my floor listening to music and i cried myself to sleep this week ive been up till dawn a couple of times and last night i discovered how i get to sleep. I just stop fighting the blanket that threatens to cover my brain and i let it cover it and i just sleep…i dont dream anymore i just sleep…its pure darkness and i sleep for so long longer than normal and I never dream and i forget everything and either wake up happy or depressed but by the end of the day ive changed into the opposite mood of what I woke up in. I don’t understand it and im trying to understand it better which is why i knew i needed to write it all down. so here it is. everything that happens to me on an almost daily basis.you don’t have to comment, but if you hace expierenced anything similar plz help me. I HATE THIS! i have so many issues right now but no one needs to worry i wont kill myself (said tht just in case anyone thought i sounded suicidal im not i may have considered it but never seriously i promise!) any help or any comment is appreciated thankyou for listening/reading.

2 Comments
  1. justmehere 2 years ago

    That sounds like a lot to be dealing with! The ups and downs are unfortunately part of the rollercoaster that comes with loss. Please dont be so hard on yourself for feeling that way! It’s natural, and listening to music on the floor crying is what you’re SUPPOSED to be doing! That’s coping, and its healthy coping too. So you should give yourself bonus points for that instead of judging yourself for it.
    Maybe on one of the nights when the weight is feeling extra heavy, listen to a meditation on YouTube and give yourself permission to WEEP. Then after it’s done, when your eyes are all swollen and sore, take a long hot shower. When you go to lay down for bed wrap yourself up and put your had on your heart, just to have the physical connection with yourself. And remind yourself that it’s ok to feel pain when you’ve had to go through painful shit.
    You’re doing a great job so far! Just maybe be a tiny bit more compassionate to yourself. The ups and downs get easier, I promise, you get used to them and they slowly become less daunting.

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    • justmehere 2 years ago

      I’d also like to clarify that “loss” is more than dealing with someone’s death. It can also be dealing with loss of a dream or fantasy, like when we realize we have shitty parents. I am still grieving over the realization that my parents just aren’t good people and don’t know how to love. I finally figured out why I grew up Feeling unlovable, and there was still a sense of loss that came from that realization. So maybe you’re dealing with something similar from the experiences you’ve had with your dad and his gf? I’m sorry he was an asshole btw

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