Okay I guess that was a good thing Luda already left for her vacation.  Because all day yesterday I wanted to go up there and talk to her, but I told myself NO NO NO.  She won't like that.  And she'll get mad at you.  And then she will hate you.  And then she won't want you to talk to her anymore. Then you will never be able to talk to her again.  So I slept 12 hours instead.  Just curled up with a teddy bear Cirena made me at Build A Bear, last summer, and slept.

Then Cirena woke me up at five when she got home and said I can't believe you slept all day.  I texted you and you didn't text me back and I thought something had happened to you.  Because your pretty quick at texting me back.  Which that made me feel good.  And my stomach stopped hurting.

Then I made myself eat, didn't eat as much as I should have, but atleast I got some food in my stomach.

Then I went to work and I'm not going to talk about work…  I already did that this am when I got home.  So if you want to read about that it's the blog before this one.  🙂

Anyway, I woke up and I rolled around in the bed, not wanting to get up, but I made myself.  Said laying around around isn't getting anything done.  So get up.  You've had plently of sleep.

I got up, popped a cough drop in my mouth, because I've been smoking two packs of cigarettes a day and my throat hurts.  Which I am mad at myself for that because I was doing so good at limiting how many cigarettes I smoked a day.  Which I've got this elecrtonic cigarette.  And it was working really well for a little while.  I'm going to give it another try April 1.  That gives me time to prepair.  And no that isn't a joke!  🙂

Anyway, after that, I just couldn't take it anymore.  I called the BHR to ask Missy if when Luda got the time if she could call me back.  Because I didn't want to just go up there unscheduled.  Because I know I wouldn't like it if someone showed up and I wasn't expecting them.  I would feel invaded.  And I don't want to make her feel invaded.  But Missy said yesterday was her last day and that she is on vacation until next Friday.  She offerd to get her cell phone number, but I said no, as much as I wanted to say yes.  I think I have it anyway…  

I was freaking out about how bad of a person I think I am.  Derick came over two days ago.  And I told Cirena not to let him in the house.  I didn't want any company because I didn't feel good.  And she answered the door and told him I didn't feel good and that we didn't want any company right now.  But he said his dad had a heart attack and Cirena went into her emotional state, because she has that button, Which I think is "cute" but can be annoying sometimes…  So she asked me if I minded if he came in for a few and I said whatever sure…  I mean I felt bad his dad had a heart attack, and I was glad he was alright, but at the same time I just wanted to beat the sh*t out of Derick…  Because he makes me feel sick to my stomach.  Because I just can't get the thought of him looking into our windows out of my head.  It's like how many other f@cking time were you out there and I just didn't know it???  I felt icky.  Dirty.  Angry. Confused. Hurt.

And last week Cirena reminded me Derick and I use to be real good friends and now I hate him.  So I tried to give it another go.  But then I just had the intention to make fun of him to make myself feel better…  It's not like I did it in a direct way.  I mean he didn't even know what I was doing.  But it made me feel better.  It made me feel more smart.  But then after I thought about it, I felt so bad for doing it.  Like this evil person.  And because I am evil.  I am going to go to Hell not Heaven.  And then I'll be forever tourtued by that asshole who hurt me when I was little.

And that is why I gave in and called Luda, but she was already on vacation.  So I guess that's good because now I can't feed into the I need someone to tell me I'm not going crazy thing.  Because sometimes it feels like I am going crazy…  But I always know real from fake.

So yeah, that's what's going on today.  And it's like I feel high and tired because I'm NOT GIVING IN to these thoughts in my head that keep telling me to do a ritual and then everything will be alright.  It keeps telling me.  If you do this then this won't happen, or that won't happen.  But I know I can't control the outside world.  But at the same time I think I can.  And I get so confsued. 

Either way it's Hell so I'm choseing the otherside of it now.  Which is the over thinking and over analyzing which makes me feel like I am crazy…  Because it's hard to stop thinking to myself.  It's like I'm reading a book to myself and I just can't turn the page.