Hi. this is going to be written mainly so i don't feel so crappy so i'm going to go crazy while i write ok…. i haven't wrote a blog on here in like months! and i have no idea why… a lot has been happening. And it all pretty much has sucked. I seriously can not say that anything has changed for the better. I know that makes me sound extremely ungrateful, but I am just being honest. I’d like to say that things are going well and I’m moving forward , but for some strange reasons things in my life don’t seem to be happening at all man. I have 100 and something days clean…that’s the most I’ve ever had since I started using, I’m pretty excited about that…except for the fact that I haven’t been to a meeting in over a fucking month and please don’t send me messages telling me I need to get to a meeting because TRUST me I’m well aware of that and I would absolutely love to go every single freakin day, but I don’t drive yet because I failed my driving test….lol and I still don’t have any friends here…only one….I mean I’ve meet people of course and hung out with some cats, but as far as actual friends..just one. But I did send a message to someone I met at a meeting asking if he knew anyone who could help me get to more, and a few ladies sent me messages, so hopefully I can start going again ya know…since I’m really sick ya know. I feel like I’m writing nothingness, but at least I’m doing something fucking productive. Uhhhh I’m just really upset man. Soooo for the past um… 4 months I’ve just been working and cleaning up after people I live with and listening to them fight, and being all stressed out about how im going to get to work and how I’m going to get to the store…and who’s going to practice driving with me and when is my sister’s husband going to be high again so I can try to be all strong and shit and not flip the fuck out…and when is my mom going to call me drunk and be all insane and verbally abusive until I hang out….blah…. And I don’t have any friends and I don’t do anything fun!!!! I just sit in my room, that’s what I do when I’m not cleaning or at work.. And I cry alll the time…infact I’m starting to cry right now because it’s like man when is alll of this going to end so I can start living? I feel like I’m in hell man. Ever since I relapsed in july and lost my appartment and that job and my guitar, I feel like I don’t know where to live or work or anything… I don’t know what to do I am so completely lost. Dammit. And I don’t want to live here with my sister and her husband anymore because I’m always cleaning up after everyone, no one cleans….and I have to listen to them argue alll the time!!! And then now she’s telling me today that I have to start paying more money to live here because well it’s confusing…. I won’t go into it, but basically we haven’t been paying rent for this house at all…just bills…and now we have to pay rent so pretty much I guess she’s asking me to give them like $300-400 to stay here PLUS DEAL WITH THE KIDS AND CLEAN UP AFTER EVERYONE AND FUCKING LISTEN TO PEOPLE SCREAM ALL THE TIME!!!! Lol im sorry this is my anger release man, if I don’t write I’ll end up hurting myself u know. So I’m sorry for cussing. But anyways… I’m so lost. Well ok I could be grateful that I have a place to stay? Yes. But I keep thinking, geez if I’m going to be clean and strong and want to life instead of die, shouldn’t I at least be happy and enjoy my life? I might get killed tomorrow man. Idk what to do.. It’s funny how some people have problems u know, then with me it’s different, it’s like my problem is #1 …where to Live? Because all the other shit, I don’t even have man because of my addiction… no car or licence…no bank… no school… I have a job, but I always have some weird ass job. By the way, I got a new job at a pet store and I really like it heehe I love animals =) but yea….please help me…. I know no one can, but I just say that over and over to my HP u know. I just want to run really far away sometimes where no one is, where no one will judge me man. But anyways…. I can’t live with my mom because I went to visit with her and it was drama drama drama between her and the sis I live with man, I had to be the peace maker and get them to talk u know..plus  my mom offered me xanax about um,,, 5 times… kept telling me I had to be in control!!! And moderation!!! And my sis in WV (not the one I live with) was drinking her take home methadone dose in front of me and had a bottle of hydros on the coffee table cuz she had surgery…freakin bitch u know. Then my exgirlfriend came over and my mom told us to sleep in her bed… uhhh and then she tries to still my sister pills and she has freakin 8 months clean and if she would have taken them I would have felt guity ya know, for puttin her in that situation and everything….. I love them all too death, but they don’t get it… I’m not as strong as I may seeem u know… last month I went out with an NA member to eat and he had just relapsed and guess what I freakin suggested LETS GO GET SOME STAMPS!! ILL PAY!! But the dealers wife texted us that they were in the hosptial due to an overdose… yea … that was my HP u know… but anyways I’m rambling on because I can. Freedom…lol but I feel a little bit better, not really, but I just got really nervous/paranoid as to what people are thinking… lol sooo um I just realized I’m like looking for an immediate fix man… It’s odd that I just noticed that, but that’s exactly what my mind is wanting… but I know in reality, there is no quick fix and it’s hard to deal with that sometimes. =( 

1 Comment
  1. KizzyT31 13 years ago

    hey, just read your blog..felt the same the last few days too, so fucking mixed up i feel crazy! Your dloing really well though to have that amount of clean days, good for u!

    Hope you are feeling better.

    I write really long blogs too, helps get so much shit off ur chest doesnt it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Take care and keep ur chin up. Drop by if you ever want to chat ok…

    Kizzy  

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