I stayed home from work yesterday, sinusitis..and probably depression. My sister was supposed to come over but after shopping she stopped at the bar..just to wind down and relax…she called..she was still coming for sure, but .later….well of course she didn't. I waited.
A friend from the program did a drive-by with some soup and salad. Smile. Before I gave up, I made a last call to the empty airways and left a message for sis at 5, no response. I needed a meeting but it was too late and I was still just..well, broken somehow. Even tho someone cared enough to bring me soup, I just felt..crushed. Empty. Lonely. I was looking over these old threads, thinking of you, actually.I had just typed your name in a post to Pink… .and it made me lonelier still. Old memories, losses…I missed the way it was… I was even second guessing some decisions I know were right – for me.
I realized the solution would be to pray, but I have been talking to God way too much lately and frankly, I wondered if He's there or not. I half believe sometimes too, Starlite. especially when I'm hurt or angry. Especially when I feel just “lost”. No direction home.
Finally later in the evening, I just gave up. I knelt down by the chair in my living room and I asked God why I was reluctant to talk to him? I told Him I know it helps, but I just can't see how it could. I'm hurting NOW. With a long, lonely night ahead of me! How can I sleep? Maybe I should take a pill….What use is it anyway? I'm sick! Dammit! And lonely. I just need to make it through this long, horrible night!
I could hear music from the building next to me and I wished that guy would turn down his damned radio… but the cadence was off, the meter was wrong and the voice was not professional..I went out on my deck and listened.
Someone was playing Churchy music on guitar and singing about God… when there was a pause, I hollered out, “Hey, guitar guy! If you ever wanna jam, I play Christian too…. sometimes.”
A voice came through the boarded window and a guy says, “Oh yeah? you do? Where ARE you?” We had a little chat, 2 voices through the walls.. he came out to the sidewalk where we could see each other and we compared musical notes and tastes. He's country/bluegrass/Christian just like me musically.. We play the same chords… He is the nephew of an old friend of mine here on island, he's relatively new here from California, used to be in recovery there, and he's putting together music for a burgeoning church… he needs help…a female vocal..some back up and harmony.
We agreed to get together and see what happens. Maybe I can help. It will certainly help me! Get me the hell out of myself! I was just saying that as my music goes, I want to “Make a joyful noise” I wanna play God stuff! Not “2 cats in the yard”…
Well, Starlite, I am amazed at how quickly Gus worked this out. Like within ten minutes of my prayer. Was He waiting for me to hit that emotional bottom and call out for help? Why was that guy playing so loud that I could hear him? Why hadn't I heard him before? Why didn't I have the TV on? Or my brand new stereo receiver? And where did I get the courage to go out and holler at the wall next door? That was desparation!
Who knows what comes next? God made an introduction. I have an opportunity. It may be a lot of fun, at least the thought of it gave me something to look forward to and I slept… without pills. I have a little more faith this morning and another day clean and sober!
